


The One Broken Thing

by orphan_account



Series: Konoha Brews [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Detectives, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, F/M, M/M, Metaphysical Detective Fiction, Metaphysics, Mystery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-19
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2017-12-05 20:06:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 30,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/727394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sasuke’s an addict out for revenge and Naruto’s multiple personalities play different roles in Sasuke's quest. It's a story of sex, drugs, heartbreak & murder. Oh, with a hipster café at the center of it all. Or, alternatively, the crime-solving, coffee shop-employed university students <i>Naruto</i> AU that no one asked for.</p><p><b>Will have two endings:</b> Naruto/Sasuke <i>and</i> Gaara/Naruto & Sasuke/Orochimaru (Naruto+Sasuke friendship)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. If I Could Write You a Song

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mostlyharmless](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlyharmless/gifts).



> Modern AU that starts out silly and is sort of affectionate parody and then becomes quite serious. Like _Naruto_ itself, ha. As for spoilers, if you know the name of Naruto's bijuu, you're all right.
> 
> The setting is a conflation of several places I have recently lived—a mixture mostly of Anchorage, Brisbane and Nagoya. Oh, and I draw the chapter illustrations as well, unless otherwise specified~ ♥ If you happen to like them, or want to see then full-sized or without writing on (some of) them, the illustrations will be posted on my Konoha Brews tumblr! Link is in my profile~! I'll put all pics for this story within the chapters~
> 
>  **About the double endings:** In March 2013, when I first started posting this fic, it had already evolved to have two endings. I had been writing this story since before New Years 2013, and it had originally been solely a NaruSasu story, written for my friend~ but by the time I started posting it, the ending had already shifted: there was two! There was just no way that I was going to forsake organic change, to be so rigidly confined in my original, tentative plot that I couldn't let a natural progression happen. As the plot became clearer and more structured, I realized that not only were there two endings, but both were equal--no one superseded the other, no one is "the real" ending; they are the same in weight, just exist on separate planes, or have branched out from an amorphous point in time, to exist in their own rights, in their own dimensions. This story has two endings, and both are real, but feel free to pick the one you like best based on your ships and avoid the other, if that's easier!

 

_Monday, December 19, 2011_

_When I read Kurama’s entries, I’m fully aware of the implication that he knows more than I do—that Sasuke confides in him, but not in me._

_Kurama could be lying to make me mad . . . it’s a common thing. I hate the thought, though, that Sasuke being back wouldn’t make anything better; that Sasuke could still possess a bewildering amount of anguish I was unaware of._

_Sometimes I write to Kurama, pleading, for any details, but out of spite he ignores me._

_At work, I ask Sasuke directly about his life._

_We always fight._

_***  
_

Sasuke yelled, the most emotion Naruto had seen from him in a while, stepping over the broken cups and thrusting a broom at him, “You don't do the books right, you make the shittiest lattes here, and when I finally got that job at Starbucks that had _benefits_ , you had to bring me back to this dump! For me, when things finally, _finally_ start to feel okay again, you ruin everything.” That was how Sasuke argued—using a series of immature insults to wrap around legitimate complaints.

Naruto screamed back, “All the times I had to sit and stare at you from the chairs by the fireplace listening to horrible white-guy-with-acoustic-guitar songs! The shit I put up with for you!”

“It's better than the local bands this hellhole hosts! Everything about Starbucks was better than this place!”

“You broke all our cups!”

“Don't you know how to use that thing?” Sasuke indicated to the broom, “Fucking clean it up!”

“I'm always cleaning up after you.”

***

Naruto, with his newly-acquired position of shift manager, was able to upgrade from his POS sedan to a POS SUV, which was good considering that this winter had been unusually frigid.

Like, freshly-returned-Sasuke frigid.

Sasuke, as it happened, came to the café every day in his white and gray beater, pulling his apron out from stacks of garbage in the backseat. Although he would never admit it, Naruto knew that Starbucks paid better, offered medical insurance, and might have helped Sasuke finance something a little nicer.

It had been a week since the “I hate you and the fact that you got me fired from Starbucks and made me come back to Konoha Brews” incident which led to the café’s dishes all being destroyed, and Tsunade had accordingly docked his pay—Naruto had, of course, told her he was solely responsible, and was sort of offended that she didn't even doubt him, like he was especially dumb and she had been long waiting for such an event. To be fair, though, Naruto knew a fight between him and Sasuke was imminent since Sasuke had returned.

Anyways, Naruto couldn't spot Sasuke's POS this particular morning, so he went inside with a frown. The 3rd Key, Hinata, was there, and she fixed him with an expression that lacked any glares/highlights and made her seem like she was blind and looking right past him.

He sighed. She was probably waiting . . . for a question about Sasuke . . . any . . . second . . . now . . .

“Where's Sasuke? I miss my favorite constant-case-of-the-Mondays.”

Hinata laughed at him, but probably because he was being stupid and not because he was actually funny. “Called in sick,” she said.

That meant that, after his shift, Naruto put the shitty to-be-tossed-out donuts in a bag and went searching for Mr. Mondays using the address they had on file for him.

***

Yeah, that turned out to be _fail_. The address was that of a business, a fake. Naruto had begun to get annoyed and hungry, and barring a miracle, was unlikely to stop eating the donuts before he found Sasuke for real. It took him a retardedly long time to consider ringing Sasuke.

“Yo,” he said to a slurred hello, “Where are you?”

“How did you get this number?” was Sasuke's response.

“I'm your boss, of course I know it. Where are you?”

“At home. Sick. Didn't you get the message?” Sasuke sounded annoyed, like he was thinking about how this sort of thing would never be a problem at Starbucks.

Fucking Starbucks, thought Naruto in the recesses of his mind, with their hipster music and holiday drinks and nice décor that was more than just signs made by hippies gluing painted wooden letters that said 'Konoha' onto collages of leaf photos from magazines.

“Yeah fucking right,” Naruto said at last, when Sasuke offered no more explanation, “Last time I checked, McDonalds wasn't renting out to college kids.” He left out the part about looking in the bathrooms, just in case.

“Oh, must have messed up a number somewhere. I'll fix it when I feel better. Bye!”

“Wait, Sasuke!” But it was too late, that asshole had hung up on him, and repeated attempts to call him back were met with ' _this is Sasuke. I don't check my voicemail, so don't even bother._ '

***

Naruto got lucky around 9pm, which was right about when he was going to maybe consider that he should head back home and pretend that his life didn't revolve around Sasuke . . . every _single_ minute. He figured he would give it one or two more hours, tops.

He decided to take the back streets near the river, and that's where he saw it, the _SS POS_ , in a parking lot at the asshole of a campground.

Was that jerk out on a camping trip?! Naruto pulled in right next to Sasuke's car, and grabbed his flashlight from the glove compartment. He was going to find Sasuke, and maybe even . . . what? Maybe even what? Get him fired? Again?

Naruto didn't like thinking about repercussions. If he thought about things like 'why am I chasing Sasuke into the dark woods when he calls in sick?' he might have to walk down paths of self-discovery.

Paths in the dark woods were much safer than that.

***

Naruto was doing a victory dance behind a tree when the state troopers left. The people at this camping ground sucked. He didn't really think yelling “Sasuke!” over and over and knocking on people's tent poles actually merited phoning the police.

The fact that someone like himself, with bright blond hair and an orange apron on, was able to hide from the officers responding made him feel no less than a ninja.

“What do you want, loser?” said Sasuke, who had somehow appeared, and somehow found him. It was like . . . he was better at this shit than Naruto. Fucking show-off.

Naruto was slow, so it took him a long time to realize that he wasn't dreaming and that Sasuke was really in front of him. “You're here,” he said dumbly.

“ _You're_ here. Not that I'm completely surprised by this,” he sorta-snorted, “I'm pretty sure I have a solid case for a restraining order.”

“You called in sick, but you were actually out camping!” Naruto whispered harshly, ignoring Sasuke's comment. “You could be fired for this!”

This time, Sasuke snorted seriously. “What would happen then, hmm? You'd come declare your undying love for me and beg me to come back as I made sandwiches at the campus Subway?”

Naruto flushed, but it would've been impossible to see in the darkness—Sasuke was barely a blue figure in the moonlight.

“I bet you'd make really awful sandwiches!” Naruto said.

“That's what you're replying to? The sandwiches bit?”

“So what if I am?!” Naruto screeched, “Why are you out here, camping, anyways?”

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. “This isn't a hobby.”

“What?”

“I live here.”

***

Sure as shit, it seemed like Sasuke had been living in a tent for a few months. The two of them sat amongst his clothes and books, a lantern between them.

Naruto wanted to say things like 'why are you homeless?' and 'is there anything I can do to help?' and 'come live with me' which suspiciously kept trying to end in 'forever and ever' in his mind. Instead, he settled on “How do you do your homework?” Their university was on holiday, but the tent suggested long-term. That in itself was something. Naruto wasn’t sure about this particular spot, but a lot of camping grounds in the area closed in January due to the weather.

“Well,” said Sasuke, smiling without pleasantness, “I used to have a job where I could use free Wi-Fi and plug in my shit.”

It was actually pretty worrisome to Naruto that his second thought after that statement was 'we should stop charging for our Wi-Fi . . .' right after he thought the prerequisite 'fucking Starbucks' fare, naturally.

“You . . . you could have said something . . . we would do anything for you . . .” By ‘we’ he mostly meant himself, but not in a bad way. He just couldn't speak for others.

“Not after I left Konoha’s, you wouldn’t. Did you ever notice how much our coffee fucking sucks? Seriously, Starbucks is famous for a reason. Our local organic bullcrap tastes, well, like bullcrap.”

“Stop it, Sasuke, just stop it.” Naruto pressed his palms into his eyes in frustration. There was a time for Sasuke to be his rival and for their conversations to be composed of banter and nonsense. This was serious, though. “What happened to your brother’s friends? I thought you were staying with him and those guys . . .?”

“My brother’s dead.”

Naruto sprung up and knotted his brows together. The tent shook. “I—I’m—”

“Shut up. Don’t you give me your fucking pity. You don’t know shit.”

“I’d know a whole lot more if you actually told me things! Me and Sakura and everyone too, we’re your friends!” He held back comments about Kurama, and asking what that asshole may have been privy to.

“No, no you’re not. I had my reasons for quitting and leaving, and you always have to chase after me and try to rescue me from myself. Did it ever occur to you that I could make my own decisions? That I might not want to be stuck in our fucking town at our fucking shop with the same fucking people we’ve known our _whole fucking lives_?”

Naruto shook his head, because, really, it never did. Sasuke was melodramatic, sure, but he was cared about and Naruto’s best friend and competitor for everything. He couldn’t fathom that the same kid who bragged when he got his driver’s license first and who rubbed it in Naruto’s face that he only had to take the High School Graduating Qualifying Exam once to Naruto’s twice could want a life where that wasn’t the case.

“Look, just, come to my house tonight, yeah?”

“No, fuck you. I’m not your charity case and I don’t—“

And while it was usually the case that Naruto was one-upped and never listened to, Sasuke stopped talking once their eyes met. Naruto, who sensed that he was a part of some super-rare cosmic event where he was actually getting in the last word, unzipped the tent and crawled out before Sasuke could change his mind. It was fucking cold, anyways, and Sasuke wasn’t stupid. (Which is why he put out the lantern before following Naruto to the parking lot. Things like that, left to Naruto, would result in disaster; he was already a walking weapon of mass destruction without any help.)

***

“No seriously, did you get this from Konoha’s? Tastes like shit. Next paycheck, I’m buying your ass some VIA packets. I think they’re still selling the Pumpkin Spice ones.”

Naruto scoffed at the comment, and shoved aside his long-abandoned-for-the-holidays homework. Wait, that shit was done! The semester was over and soon enough his table would be littered with new homework to avoid. “Too bad you didn’t have those health benefits long enough to get a new personality.”

“Too bad all of the health benefits in the world couldn’t get you a new face.”

“Oh my God, what are we, like, in 5th grade?” Naruto said, but scratched at the scars on his cheeks regardless. He sat in the chair adjacent to Sasuke’s. Their knees touched.

He opened his mouth to say something about Sasuke’s predicament, but Sasuke beat him to it. “Don’t, okay? I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You’re fine with taking advantage of my kindness, but you won’t give me just a little in return?”

“Yeah . . . something like that.”

Naruto sighed dramatically and made a stupid face. “Well, I guess if I’m going to be the Sexless Innkeeper, you might as well eat too. Here, I got these for you earlier.” He handed over a brown paper bag.

Sasuke looked inside. “It’s half of a donut.”

“Yeah, it was a good one too.”

“It’s frozen."

“It was in my car, okay? Just eat the goddamned thing.” They had taken their own cars to Naruto’s house so Sasuke didn’t see the wax papers belonging to the other 11 or so donuts Naruto had already eaten.

“Whatever.”

***

There were rules from forever ago that meant that they were never to speak of what happened next.

“You’re too warm,” Sasuke murmured under Naruto’s arm.

Naruto laughed. “That’s because you’re cold-blooded.” He couldn’t stop smiling, because he was nostalgic for the nights they had spent together as kids posturing and dreaming and staying up until the sun rose. Holding this doucher in his arms was comfortable and familiar, and he closed his eyes, relaxed.

***

In the morning, they disentangled, and neither of them acknowledged the fact that they had spent the night cuddling. However, Naruto remained the Sexless Innkeeper. Sasuke was gone when Naruto emerged from the bathroom.

Not that Naruto wanted to be anything more than the Sexless Innkeeper, of course. It would’ve just been more settling to his stomach if he knew where Sasuke was, at all times.

***

Even though Naruto and Sasuke worked together, it proved to be difficult to corner Sasuke and press him for more info. The blond’d see him, rush up to him, and when he blinked, find himself alone. Seriously, Sasuke seemed to have some _for serious_ ninja skills!

On this day, though, Naruto had no excuses. It was Sasuke’s day off, like, for _really_ reals, and he had no honest or false reason to see him.

It was still slow since it was neither early morning nor lunchtime, and Naruto fiddled with the radio while Sakura made them both Wedding Cake White Mochas.

_If I could write you a song to make you fall in love,_   
_I would already have you up under my arm,_   
_I used up all of my tricks,_   
_I hope that you like this,_   
_But you probably won’t,_   
_You think you’re cooler than me._

“Yeah,” said Naruto, “This is my jam!”

“This? _This_ is your kinda music?” Sakura lifted a delicate eyebrow as she passed over his waxy paper cup. “I’m pretty sure if you want to own this place someday you have to like less mainstream music.”

“Pfft,” Naruto replied, after taking a sip. He raised the cup to her to show appreciation. “Granny talks a lot of hippie bullshit, but she’s just as vain as everyone else. How do you think she looks so young? Botox.” He continued when Sakura giggled. “And I’m not knocking those knockers, but that? That’s all surgery.”

Naruto had no idea how old Tsunade really was of course, but in this here, the two-thousands, she talked about Woodstock and building up her business and Naruto surmised she was born no later than 1950.

“Oh my God, Naruto, stop!” Sakura squealed, and he smiled to himself in return. He liked her; always had liked her. Like Sasuke, Sakura had been a part of Naruto’s life from times immemorial.

Their new dishes had yet to come in from the supplier, so everything was served with disposable ware. And while no one had really said much, and Naruto knew that eclectic non-matching silverware attracted lots of 19 year olds with MacBooks, he was actually surprised to hear some girl say, as she walked out into the snow, “Love the picnic vibe, you guys. Picnic in winter, genius.”

Naruto was having an aneurysm, so Sakura replied, “Thanks!” with cheerfulness. “Come back soon.”

In response to the face he made at her, Sakura said to Naruto: “Shut it. When you become owner, you’ll have to keep this café in business, you know? Don’t be cozy with the Man, like Sasuke is.”

“I—I resent that, Sakura! I would never let this place become the next Starbucks! But ha ha, it’s funny how Sasuke’s mood swings made this place even more anti-establishment.”

“Sasuke’s mood swings?”

“Yeah. I took the fall, but he was the one that broke all of our shit when he was having a fit of emo.”

She sighed, “Why doesn’t that surprise me?”

“Sasuke’s as predictable as the sunset.”

“Hey, Naruto,” she segued, probably innocently, even though Naruto mourned the death of Sasuke as the conversation topic, “Me and some of the guys from Interpersonal Comm are having a party this weekend. Wanna come?”

“You mean like Lee and those guys?”

“Yep. It’s gonna be, like, this ‘before the holidays end’ send up. It’s essentially a house party with poker and food and booze.”

Booze meant _rum & coke_, because that was the sort of refined taste 22 year olds had for their liquor. Naruto probably couldn’t have named off wine types or cocktails if he tried.

“Will there be chicks?”

“El-oh-el,” Sakura said. She often talked Internet-speak with Naruto, which wasn’t as weird as it sounded (though totally as stupid). They were surrounded by kids watching YouTube videos all day, after all. “I’m not sure. Probably. I’m just hoping things get out of control and Officer Hatake comes by.”

Naruto scoffed, but said “I’m in!” Then he smiled. He needed some relaxation and some alcohol and maybe to get laid? He was kinda obsessed these days, and he didn’t know wherefore or why.

***

The next day, Naruto saw Sasuke as he came in in the afternoon, to relieve the morning staff.

“Hey,” he said, and Sasuke grunted in response. “Hey, so, uh, are you going to Sakura and them’s party?”

“No.”

“Really? You should. It’s like, I dunno, our café’s informal Christmas/New Year’s party. Sakura told me it’s gonna be some guys from school and like, most everyone who works here.” This was true; she said this when she had written down the address after her shift ended.

“I know. That’s why I’m not going.”

“You should come,” Naruto whined, “It might be fun and you could forget your problems for a bit and—”

“Shut up, Naruto.” Sasuke sneered at him, “Don’t act like you’re my fucking social worker. You don’t know what you’re talking about, my ‘ _problems_.’”

“Fuck, okay, forget to take your happy pills?”—Sasuke rolled his eyes—“I have, I dunno, a gift for you, so like, it would’ve been cool to give it to you there.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not going. I have something that day anyways. Really important.” Naruto didn’t believe him.

“Whatever. When can I give it to you?” Naruto felt goosebumps on his arms after Sasuke replied with only a raised eyebrow. “The gift, I mean.”

“Tomorrow?” Sasuke tried.

“Sure! And don’t worry man, you don’t have to get me anything in return or anything.”

Sasuke smiled at him, and it was eerie and kinda suss, and it made Naruto shiver when he said, “Don’t worry, Blondie. I got something for you.”

***

“Open it when you get home,” Sasuke said, in the break room. “I want it to be a surprise.”

“Thanks!” Naruto beamed. “Here’s yours. Go ahead, open it now!” He handed Sasuke a wrapped box, and the other young man opened it tentatively.

“It’s a Wi-Fi card . . .”

“Merry late Christmas!”

Sasuke glared at him. “You wanted to give this to me in public? Where all of our stupid friends would ask, ‘ _why you need that, Sasuke? What happened to your Internet, Sasuke_?’”

Naruto swallowed. What a paranoid freak!

“You never think about these kinds of things, you moron. You didn’t . . . tell anyone, did you?” Sasuke accused, eyes black and furious.

“N—no!”

“Good. See you around.” Sasuke took his box and Wi-Fi card and pushed out of the break room. Naruto stood still, stunned and dumbstruck, holding the red and green gift bag he had received. He never understood Sasuke, granted, but why didn’t Sasuke understand Naruto? He only wanted the best for Sasuke. He would never tell people private things like that, not unless he knew that Sasuke’s life was in danger . . .

Which it very well could’ve been, considering the ground was slippery with packed snow and temperatures at night dropped below zero. He was going to get that asshole to move in with him, no matter what it took. Besides, Sasuke was fucking crazy and too uptight to ask for the help he needed.

***

When Naruto sat on his bed that evening, he dumped out the bag’s contents.

It was about seven Starbucks gift cards and Pumpkin Spice VIA packets. “Just add hot milk” it said on the box, and Naruto groaned.

***

_Friday, December 30, 2011_

_Have fun at your party tomorrow, little bitch. By the way, since you’re too stupid to ask Sasuke the right questions, I’ll let you in on something._

_Itachi was murdered and Sasuke is out for revenge._

_\----  
_

Chapter Tracklist:

 **Mike Posner** \- Cooler Than Me _  
_


	2. On Providence

_Friday, September 9, 2005_

_I mean, like, Gaara was such an asshole! Before I could even think, my fist reacted. I punched him straight in his stupid face!_

_Kurama was there and I withdrew. I didn’t want to be involved, anyways. Or maybe I did. I don’t know. I couldn’t move, and I just sat inside Kurama, watching, just watching, through his eyes, like they were windows._

_I didn’t feel any of the pain from the blows—not until I was already in the nurse’s office, being treated for a bloody nose. We were both being lectured by some disciplinary officer who stood between us while we sat on beds opposite each other._

_Gaara bit his bottom lip._

_Sticky—_

“Hey babe—” Naruto paused his pen “—Who gave you that?” Lady Tsunade said, leaning over the counter and peering at Naruto’s black eye. She looked very much like a concerned mother, and Naruto tried his best not to long for her.

Naruto pouted and looked away. “Gaara.”

“Gaara? You still fighting with that kid? If you keep that up, you’ll get suspended again.” Tsunade frowned.

Naruto muttered something.

“Louder, boy.”

“I said, ‘I _did_ get suspended!’”

“Serves you right for fighting. Did you tell Iruka yet?” She pointed her thumb towards the phone on the wall, right by the clipboards and drink special signs.

“No.” The school had called Iruka dozens of times, but Iruka had never answered. Naruto was a bit of a latch-key kid, though, so he was used to it. The principal held him in detention for the rest of the day and then instead of walking straight home, Naruto had gone to Konoha Brews.

Konoha Brews was Naruto’s favorite place. He loved the smell, coffee and cinnamon. He loved the sound, the whirring of drinks being made and teenagers typing. He loved Tsunade and her employees too. He had been going to Konoha Brews since he was twelve with the allowance Iruka’d give him for cleaning the house or doing yard work. Even as sophomores, he and Sakura and Sasuke would still meet there after classes to doodle and do their stupid high school homework, and they would drink coffee and pretend to be much older and cooler than they really were. And when they talked about being college students who all lived together and worked together, Tsunade chuckled and didn’t dissuade them.

Tsunade put her hands on her hips and frowned at the boy. Naruto’s mood was shit, but he wasn’t going to snap at her. He closed his diary and slid it into his backpack. Then he laid his head on the counter and frowned.

“Well, I’m sure he’ll discipline you properly. You need to stay away from Gaara, Naruto.”

“He’s not so bad.” Naruto said, sort of surprising himself. It was like that, though, like, when he felt intensity at a situation, he found that writing about it in his diary made all his thoughts seem stupid and weak and he didn’t really even mean them in the first place. Gaara wasn’t really so bad, they just could not get along. _At all._

Besides, it was Gaara’s fault that he elicited something sick out of Naruto, something like only Sasuke had done before. Something that made Naruto sleep in the fetal position, hands squeezing each other tight between his legs.

And although the doctor’s advice had helped for years— _years!_ —Naruto felt ashamed that he couldn’t keep Kurama held back, swallowed down. He barely remembered the incident, because that was how Kurama worked—did all the fun fighting shit and left Naruto with the repercussions and not much else.

The bell above the door rang, and Tsunade waved at whoever entered. Naruto knew it was his friends by the gust that hit him as they ran to him.

“Hey,” Sakura said, flopping into the stool next to Naruto. She draped her arm over his blond head. “We heard about what happened from Chouji. You kicked Gaara’s ass?”

Naruto pouted again.

“He gave you that black eye, though?” She asked, without needing an answer. “I heard you gave him two.”

“Not like you could tell with Gaara’s face,” said Sasuke, who took the seat on the other side of Naruto.

Naruto pushed his face into the polished wood and laughed. Fucking Sasuke, for real. God, Naruto loved him.

“Hey,” said Sasuke, conspiratorially. “Me and Sakura have fifteen dollars.”

Naruto sat up. “Really?”

“Yep.”

“Hey! Lady Tsunade!”

“Yeah?”

“We want coffee today!”

She laughed at them. “So you actually brought money this time? Cute, cute. What’ll you have?”

Sakura beamed. “Wedding Cake White Mochas!”

Tsunade nodded, “All right, all right.”

“When we work here, we can have them all the time!” Sakura beamed again. Sasuke rolled his eyes. At the super-awesome-mature age of 16, he was too good for sweet drinks. Naruto pushed him off the stool.

***

_Saturday, December 31, 2011_

_Happy New Year. My resolution is to . . ._

***

“There aren’t enough life boats!” Naruto screamed as he held Sakura and Gaara in his arms. They were standing on Lee’s couch. Naruto leaned close to Sakura and said, “Women and children need to get on the boats first. Gaara and I will find another way!”

“Are you sure? I—I don’t want to leave you, my love.”

“It’s the only way.” Naruto pushed her off of the couch and into the awaiting arms of Shikamaru.

“Naruto!” She screamed, “Narutoooooooo!”

“Madame, get ahold of yourself. I’ll escort you; you’ll be okay.” Shikamaru said. He made sure that when he took Sakura to the other couch, where Ino, Hinata, and Temari were sitting, he avoided stepping on the carpet directly. The carpet was the Titanic’s damage—holes and weak floorboards and water. To avoid them both dying, he made sure to only step on pillows and blankets on the floor.

It was New Year’s Eve, and 2011 was almost 2012. Everyone was already drunk as shit, but since the countdown was still a ways off, there was time to play.

This was a tradition—Naruto, even at 22 years old, was spunky and energetic and liked playing. Reenacting popular movies was something he did that his friends loved, usually because it was ghetto-ass and took them to places around town they normally didn’t visit. Once, a reenactment of _The Matrix_ brought them to a fucking weird club and Shikamaru had never quite gotten over it.

Anyways, that night’s version of _Titanic_ took place in Lee’s living room. Naruto had quickly abandoned his half-hearted quest to land someone—he had dated and fucked a fourth of the people in attendance, a fraction that might have been impressive were there more than eight people present.

He chased Gaara up the stairs, with Lee in tow, but alas when Gaara tripped, they all fell and succumbed to the iceberg. Everyone subsequently sat in a circle on the floor, atop a blanket, and drank, screaming and crying their way into 2012.

Everything was fine, maybe perfect! This, this was who Naruto really was, happy and uncontained and unafraid. When Sakura hugged him, laughing, she was warm and supple. When Gaara’s head was pressing into his side, it felt nice. These were his friends and he adored them and he didn’t think of Sasuke, not once.

***

Naruto was alone and the sun was starting to rise. He headed down the corner and across the street where he had parked his SUV. He was flying, still drunk and happy, and although alone, laughing. He had spent the night on Lee’s floor, urged not to leave early by Gaara, who had warned him that he was too drunk to drive.

He was sure that he had stepped on someone on his way out that morning, so he knew he was still too drunk. He just wanted to be in his car and in his own space as soon as possible. The icy air felt marvelous on his skin after the sweaty nastiness of sleeping on the floor with seven other people stuck to him.

He loved it, and wanted to take off his shirt and lie down in the snow.

He opened the SUV, and threw his keys towards the passenger’s seat. Then he locked his shit with the buttons near the armrest in the driver’s side door.

The back of his SUV was bitchin'. Because Naruto never knew when Kurama would want to go on a joyride and strand them somewhere, Naruto had made sure that the beds of his cars were always well-supplied. He had pillows and blankets and warm sodas and it was awesome, and if he were a playa he could have probably nailed chicks back there, too, but he was sort of a loser.

He took off his shirt, and kicked off his pants, and then slid over the backseat bench. The lumpy, huge piles were comfortable and he almost passed out before getting under anything. He yanked up a fuzzy black blanket and pulled it to his neck.

“Mmm.” He heard, and after a second, he froze in panic. What what what what what what . . .

Naruto pulled back the blanket—who the fuck was in his car holy shit—and was met with Sasuke’s glare.

“Wha—Sasuke? What? _What.”_

“You’re drunk.” Sasuke replied.

“You’re in my car. _You’re in my car_.” Holy shit, holy shit, holyshitholyshitholyshit. Had Naruto not even locked his POS the night before? Had he been driving around with Sasuke for ten billion years and not noticed?! “What are you doing _in my car_?!”

“Naruto.” Sasuke said.

“Oh my God, like—”

“Naruto.”

“ _What_?”

“How old are you?”

“ _What_?!” Naruto squeaked. “Why—”

“Your age. How old are you?”

“Twenty-two.”

“Naruto, Naruto.”

“Sasuke, what the fuck?”

“It’s all wrong. I need you to be someone else.”

“Who else would I be?” If Sasuke fucking meant Kurama, Naruto was going to scream and freak his shit. “Kurama? He’s sleeping.”

“No, no,” Sasuke sighed, and pushed his hand into his own hair. “I need Naruto.”

“I _am_ Naruto!”

“Quit freaking. You’re not the right one. Come here.” Sasuke removed his hand from his own hair, and then caressed Naruto’s face. “Hey little one, come out, come out, wherever you are.” Sasuke thumbed the scars on Naruto’s left cheek.

Sasuke was hot and soft and and and . . .

His lips were wet when he kissed and and and . . .

“You stink, Uzumaki.”

“Sasuke . . .?”

“We’re in your room, right? We’re in your bed, Uzumaki. It’s safe and it’s just us. We’re alone.”

Naruto gasped. He was fading, intoxicated, hypnotized. _Sasuke, Sasuke._

Naruto was disappearing.

***

“Naruto,” Sasuke whispered, pressing their faces close. “Hey.”

“Hi.” Naruto replied, overheated.

“How old are you?”

What a stupid question. “Duh. Same age as you: twelve. Why?”

“Just asking. I’m not twelve, by the way. I’ve grown up.”

“Nuh-uh!” Naruto sat up and gaped at Sasuke. “You’re so tall!” he could tell, even though Sasuke was lying down. That was totally not fucking fair! Did that asshole seriously have to beat him at _everything_?!

“So are you.”

Sure as shit, he was! Naruto looked down at himself, and he had to be _at least_ the same height as Sasuke if not _taller_! Awesome!

“Wow . . .” he marveled.

“Listen, Uzumaki, I need to tell you something.” He kept his hand on Naruto’s cheek, so that the blond couldn’t look away. He sounded serious.

“What is it?”

“It’s not that I don’t want to be your friend anymore, it’s just that things have gotten bad on my side, you know?”

“No!” Naruto screamed. “No, no! I don’t want to hear this.” Naruto never knew anything that was happening with Sasuke’s life. Sasuke had to keep everything private, which was crap, because even an idiot like Naruto knew that suffering alone hurt more than asking your friends for help.

But he couldn’t deal with this _all over again_.

“You can’t leave, Sasuke! Not again, never again! If something is happening, you can tell me, and I can do something! Tell me what’s going on!” He screamed, eyes burning.

Shock of all shocks, Sasuke nodded. “Yeah, I’ll tell you, but you can’t say anything to anyone else about this, all right?”

Naruto nodded in response, a solemn thing. He bit back tears.

“I don’t live with Itachi anymore. Someone killed him, and the police aren’t going to do shit to help.” Naruto’s cheeks reddened at Sasuke cussing, but what Sasuke was saying was so immense that he didn’t point it out. Itachi? Murdered?

“Wha—why? I—”

“They’re in on it, I know they are.”

“The police? We should tell Officer Hatake. I know he always gives us hell for the things we do, but he’s a really good guy, Sasuke.”

“No, no. Even if he wasn’t involved, if he knows, one of his fellow officers will find out too. Then they’ll track me down.”

“Sasuke, are you sure about this?” Because that was one fucking insane accusation. But this was _Sasuke_ , Naruto’s best friend Sasuke, and he wouldn’t lie and he didn’t make up bullshit.

“I’ve got some evidence, and I’m going to figure it all out.”

“But . . . you will let me . . .?”

“Yeah. Yeah, but it’s gotta be on my terms. Come on,” Sasuke said, crawling over the backseat into the driver’s. He grabbed the keys from the opposite side. “I’ll drive us to your house.”

“I still can’t get over that you know how to drive!” Naruto shouted excitedly. They were together again and they were going to solve a crime and . . . “Oh my God, Iruka’s gonna flip!”

Sasuke chuckled. “You haven’t lived with Iruka for four years.”

 ***

_Sunday, January 1, 2012_

_I swear to God! Sasuke! I’m happy he’s talking to me again, and I want to help him in any way imaginable. I don’t want to put down his dilemma here in case of anything happening, but hey, 22 year old Naruto, take care of him, okay?_

_I know I can’t tell you everything you need to know, but for some reason Sasuke thinks this is the best way, so please trust me and have faith in him, too._

_I know you have got to remember how it felt when he left, like the whole world was falling apart, and you always thought of mom, and maybe you imagined her there and everything was okay, okay, and maybe Sasuke would come back and his family would come back and if you loved him hard enough and kept him in your bed long enough he’d never leave and everything’d be fine._

_But it won’t be, so don’t let him leave you again!_

_Yeah, that’s what I mean to say:_

_Dear Naruto,_

_Take care of Sasuke. I’m counting on you!_

_\--Naruto_

***

Naruto sighed into his coffee cup. His 12 year old self even had shitty handwriting!

He had spent approximately twenty-five years in the bathroom after waking up, but for the most part he felt fine. His head only hurt if he moved too fast, but if he just sat at his table doing nothing, it was like he had no hangover at all!

He had awakened with Sasuke next to him in his bed, but he knew better than to ask what had happened. He couldn’t break their own rules, after all.

Sasuke wandered out to the living room around 2pm. Naruto didn’t know how long they’d been at his house or sleeping at all, so he couldn’t tell if 2 was late or not. Sasuke was wearing Naruto’s black sweatpants and a tank top. He looked good, and Naruto blushed somewhat.

Sasuke snorted at him.

“Hey loser. Read your diary? I was there when he wrote that. You game?”

But 22 year old Naruto was a teensy bit smarter than 12 year old Naruto. He might have understood that he couldn’t get details yet, but he wasn’t going into this blindly.

“I don’t want to be an ultimatum-delivering asshole, but . . .” Naruto said, scratching his cheek, “I’m down, I’m down for the ride, but only on a condition.”

“Hmm?” Sasuke tilted his head back and looked down his nose at him.

“Move in with me.”

\----

Chapter Tracklist:

 **The Love Language** – Providence


	3. A Friend in the Devil

_February 2002_

Naruto’s mother opened the door, and Sasuke twisted the toe caps of his sneakers into the welcome mat. “Hi, um, is Naruto home?” He asked this even though his backpack of sleepover stuff was slung over one shoulder in expectance.

“Hey sweetie, I just got a call from your mom telling me you were on your way over. Yeah, he’s here, come in.” She sang at him. Sasuke bit his lip and looked down, but followed her inside. Other people’s mothers had that effect on him—he felt shy and exposed.

“Naruto!” She called, and the blond boy thundered down the stairs, tripping on the last step but saving face with a jump. 10/10 landing.

“Hey Sasuke!” Naruto exclaimed, running to Sasuke and grabbing his hand. He pulled him towards his room. “I wanna show you something.”

Sasuke looked back at Kushina Uzumaki. “Have fun boys. I’ll call you when it’s dinner time.” She smiled at them, and Sasuke blushed a little, and was led away.

Naruto’s door was decorated with street signs he thought were cool, like _STOP_ and _NO ENTRY_ and _DEER CROSSING_. It let anyone who walked by know that this was _Naruto’s room_. Sasuke had always kinda thought it was stupid, but he was secretly jealous that Naruto was allowed to decorate at all. Sasuke wasn’t permitted to hang posters or door signs, and his room was nothing if not utilitarian. Naruto’s room felt like Naruto himself, and so Sasuke vastly preferred being at his friend’s house than at his own.

Naruto bounded over to the bed and sat, cross-legged, a plastic folder before him. He flapped his hands at Sasuke. “Come here!”

“What is it?” Sasuke asked, taking his place opposite Naruto, who was shaking in enthusiasm.

“It took me all week, but I finally cracked my mom’s safe again!”

Sasuke chuckled. “You’re becoming a real pro, Uzumaki. One day, you might even be able to rob a bank.”

“Sasuke, this is serious,” Naruto whined, waving the folder, “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: my mom shouldn’t be hiding information about my dad from me.”

Sasuke sighed. “She just wants to protect you.”

“From what? I swear to God, if I have to endure another ‘we’ll talk about it when you’re older’ conversation, I don’t know what I’ll do!”

“Mmm,” Sasuke nodded. “So what’s it say?” He tilted his head towards him. He was able to play it cooler than Naruto, mostly because Naruto was totally hyperactive and uncontrollable, but he wanted to know things just as badly.

For the last three months, the two of them had been more or less trying to solve a mystery. Naruto, always curious and intrepid and digging through personal effects that were not his own, had found a _case file_ , a memo written by his father before he was dead about _an investigation_. Naruto also subsequently witnessed his mother freak out about him finding it. She hid it, along with similar stacks of paper he had yet to read, in the safe. When Naruto had told Sasuke, the two of them immediately sought to uncover more.

“It’s like, I don’t know, like he was definitely trailing someone and he wrote out all of their actions!” Naruto said breathlessly. “It says that the suspect met with ‘the sheep’ at a diner, and that the trade would be at the Starlight Hotel that next Thursday!”

Sasuke didn’t know what any of that meant, but it made him stiffen. His heart might have exploded, how fast it was beating. His head might have exploded, too, how loud his heart was beating.

“Uzumaki,” he said, leaning towards the blond. “Your father was so cool!” Sure, Sasuke's own father was a police officer, but Naruto's father . . . he was like a _spy_ or something!

“I know!” Naruto screamed. “And guess what? I’m going to memorize everything in that safe so if mom locks it away again, it won’t be a problem.”

Sasuke snorted. “How is a dumbass like you going to memorize anything? I’m surprised you can even remember your own name. Better let me do it.”

“No!” Naruto shrieked, “No, you assface! It’s _my_ dad’s super awesome case and I’m going to do it!”

“Whatever,” Sasuke said as Naruto leaned over and hid the folder under his mattress. He segued. “We’re in your bed.”

“So we are,” Naruto smiled cheekily. “You gonna kiss me or what?”

“Or what.” Sasuke replied, pushing Naruto back onto the pillows and smothering him with his hands.

Naruto screeched and dug his fingers under Sasuke’s arms. Sasuke laughed despite himself. Then he narrowed his eyes and pinned Naruto down.

“You can’t escape, Uzumaki.”

“Who says I want to?”

Sasuke blushed, because oh my God, _who said things like that_ , and shit, Naruto was going to defeat him with only words someday.

“I’m still taller than you.” It was something, at least.

“I hate you, Sasuke!” Naruto wailed, rolling around under him. “You won’t always be, you know! One day, I’ll be waaaaaay bigger than you.”

“Not where it counts.”

“Aaaaaaah!”

Sasuke laughed and put the poor fool out of his misery. He kissed Naruto once, a quick, sticky peck.

Naruto relaxed underneath him, and then smiled again. It was almost sweet, but Sasuke knew Naruto too well. Oh no, oh no, he was going to say _something stupid_ and call out Sasuke’s red cheeks.

Sasuke kissed him again, and again, so he didn’t have to look at that smug face.

When they heard Kushina call for them, they pulled apart.

Naruto said, “I . . . I _want_ to talk about this, Sasuke. I like it, and I like—”

Sasuke shook his head as they went downstairs. “You know our rule.”

***

_January 2012_

“Stop,” Sasuke sighed, “I have to go to work now.” They had both showered and got dressed, so Sasuke wasn’t expecting them to end up back in bed. It was _such_ a ploy by Naruto to initiate a secret moment.

“A little bit more,” Naruto whispered.

Sasuke closed his eyes and parted his lips.

It’s not like really wanted to go to fucking Konoha Brews, anyways. Just a little bit more.

***

Sasuke raised an eyebrow at the face Naruto was pulling. “What? Were you expecting more? I did just live in a tent, you know.” He dropped his single duffle bag at Naruto’s feet. He had taken the bag out of his beater car, where it had been while he worked, just moments ago. It was stiff with cold clothes.

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” Naruto said. He picked up the bag and brought it to the only bedroom.

Naruto’s house was a _house_ , and not an apartment, but it was small. Maybe a starter? Sasuke thought the whole notion of a starter house was bullshit, though. Like, what was that? A house to prepare your ass for better houses? The fuck?

Since Naruto decided to be happy homemaker and put away Sasuke’s shit, Sasuke leaned in the doorway and didn’t bother to help him. This was all Naruto’s fault. Sasuke wasn’t going to mention that the campground had officially closed when January began and he needed to find somewhere else to stay anyways—which was why he had hid out in Naruto’s SUV. He had already planned on moving in. Like, if Sasuke really wanted to, he knew he could get anything out of Naruto. After all the years they had spent drifting apart and then out of each other’s lives altogether, it was a small, private comfort.

Sasuke pulled at his apron strings, and tossed the dark blue garment towards the laundry pile on the floor. Shit needed washing. He felt a vibration in his back pocket from his phone, and took it out.

Orochimaru was calling.

“Who is that?”

“None of your business, Boss.” Sasuke said, pressing _ignore_. He wondered how much he was going to be able to get away with living with Naruto. Whatever, he was an adult; he could leave any time he wanted and do anything he wanted and not tell Naruto shit.

Naruto grimaced. “I hate when you call me that.”

Sasuke smirked at him. “Oh? And why’s that, Boss? After all, you worked _so hard_ to become _shift manager_ , it’s only fitting that I acknowledge your status.”

Naruto shook his head and closed the closet. “Don’t be condescending, Sasuke. I have free reign over the schedules, and I can make it so you work late shifts one day and early shifts the next.”

“Oh, what wonderful boss you are.” He accented it, _boss_ , just so Naruto’d be annoyed.

Naruto shook his head again, and stared at Sasuke, expression dumbfounded. “Are we . . . are we fighting right now?”

“No!” Sasuke yelled. He yelled because he _was_ mad. Totally and inexplicably mad! “Yes! I don’t know! Fuck, why don’t you ever just stay out of shit you’re not involved in?!”

Why the fuck did Orochimaru have to call him? That fucker never got a hint. Shit, maybe it wasn’t so inexplicable, his developing anger. Orochimaru made Sasuke’s head hurt. Hatred and something akin to a craving raged in him.

Naruto squinted at him, and rushed towards him, making to take his phone. “Who called you? Who the fuck called you?”

“Get away from me, Naruto.” Sasuke snapped, pushing Naruto back and sliding his phone into his pocket again. “If we live together, you gotta understand that I have a private life outside of you and I don’t need to let you in on anything.”

“Yes you do!” Naruto glared at him. “That’s how it goes, Sasuke, like, if I’m going to help you, I have to know things.”

“Not everything.”

After a moment, Naruto nodded, and loosened his shoulders. “Not everything,” he agreed. “But something.”

Sasuke froze. Then he nodded too. “But something.”

The two of them stood there, staring at each other, and then finally, Sasuke said:

“Orochimaru.”

Naruto looked wildly concerned. “You still talk to that creep?”

“Yeah. Hey, um, Naruto? Can I?” Sasuke turned his head aside. “Can I talk to Uzumaki?” He glanced back at Naruto’s suddenly rigid stance.

“Yeah . . . yeah. Sure.” Naruto cast his eyes downward.

When they were lying on the bed, slowly kissing, Sasuke tried to suppress any ill feeling he might have had about his actions, whispering “little one, little one,” over and over until Uzumaki peered up at him.

***

“Red, red.” Naruto—Uzumaki—murmured. Sasuke _shh’d_ him and stroked his hair. Uzumaki was somehow tiny even though his body was 22 years old, “Hair that never stopped growing, red, red on the floor.”

Sasuke squeezed him.

“Officer Hatake painted my feet black and made me step on a paper, did you know? So they could tell whose bloody footprints were mine and whose weren’t.”

Sasuke shook his head.

Uzumaki nodded his.

“But,” Uzumaki shifted, meeting Sasuke’s eyes. “I’ll still be able to help you. Sasuke, no matter what kind of trouble you’re in, I’ll help you.” And he did that miraculous thing that Sasuke had always envied—he wiped his tears and smiled. Fucking God, Sasuke could never get that. A survivor, with gaping blue eyes.

“I know.” Sasuke said. “I know your memory’s spotty, but do you think you could . . .?”

“Yep. I’ll do my best.” Then Uzumaki whispered, “Before she was killed, my mom hid dad’s files. They weren’t in the safe last time I checked, but . . .” he swallowed, “What I was able to read . . . I remember _everything_ I’ve ever read. Dad’s handwriting . . . it’s burned into me.”

“Like fire.”

“Like fire.” Uzumaki nuzzled into Sasuke’s neck.

Sasuke shivered from unwanted heartbreak. How many times had he crossed some invisible line, thinking ‘now I’m no longer a child’ only to be wrong every time? Sasuke was _always_ a child.

“Don’t worry,” Uzumaki said, patting Sasuke on the back. “We’re going to figure it all out. And when I’m all grown up and become a doctor, I’ll make sure you’re all better again.”

Sasuke laughed bitterly. “I’m the one broken thing you can’t fix.”

“Impossible! There’s nothing I can’t fix!” Uzumaki made a fist in the air.

And Sasuke laughed sincerely.

***

_I'll hold your hand when you are feeling mad at me,_  
 _Yeah, when the monsters they won't go,_  
 _And your windows won't close,_  
 _I'll pretend to see what you see._

Sasuke sat up. He must have fallen asleep. He was on Naruto’s bed, and he could hear that idiot’s music, coming from the living room.

Sasuke was in the bedroom _while Naruto was in the living room_. It seemed rather domestic and strange to him. _They lived together._

He shook his head. He took out his phone. He had a text.

_You’re going to get sick if you don’t come and take your medicine, dear. Do come by at your earliest convenience._

Sasuke screamed and threw his phone at the bedroom door. His medicine, his medicine, his medicine . . . Medicine. Fucking Orochimaru. It was like Sasuke missed him, but he didn’t really. His own mind betrayed him.

Naruto was there in a second. “What’s wrong?”

“Everything!” Sasuke flailed. He was sad, he was furious. Naruto rushed to him, and held him tight. Sasuke clawed at Naruto’s back, and he knew he was drawing blood. “Everything,” he repeated, “My whole fucking life.”              

Naruto held tighter.

“He’s watching us,” Sasuke said, pointing towards the hallway, visible through the open door.

“Who?” Naruto asked, looking back.

“Itachi.”

“Really?” Naruto said. He was quiet for a moment, then he asked, “What does he want?”

“Me to avenge him.”

“Okay.” Naruto nodded. “Okay.”

Sasuke pushed Naruto off. “I need to go somewhere. Don’t . . . don’t ask me, all right?”

“Sasuke . . . I read the diary entry for today, I . . .” He bit his lip, and nodded once more. “All right, just . . . just tell me what you can, when you can.”

It was so easy to manipulate Naruto, Sasuke realized fully then, because Naruto was afraid he’d leave again. He’d do anything to prevent it, even if it meant suppressing his own nature—a thrashing, loud, questioning nature—so Sasuke wouldn’t abandon him.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Sasuke tried to ignore the way Naruto’s lip quivered.

***

_“Have you ever kissed anyone before?” Sasuke whispered into the dark. It was silent so long that he thought Naruto had already gone to sleep._

_“No.” He heard, at last._

_“Have you ever wanted to, Uzumaki?”_

***

Sasuke pulled his POS up to Orochimaru’s apartment. The apartment Sasuke had used to live in after Orochimaru moved out of the big house that Sasuke, Orochimaru, Kabuto and . . . Itachi . . . once shared.

He knocked once, and was about to turn away when Orochimaru opened up.

“Sasuke,” he smirked, face pointed down but eyes turned up. “So good to see you. Come in.” He made a hand motion, and Sasuke entered.

“Where’s everyone?” He meant Karin and some other people who had moved in after he left. Sasuke asked mainly to say something. He didn’t really give a shit.

“Out. It’s just us.”

Sasuke hummed and looked up at the ceiling. “Hurry up.”

Orochimaru smiled at him. “So impatient. I’ve got what you need. Let me put it in something nice for you today? How’s cake?”

“Fine. Whatever’s fine.”

“Good boy. You love your Lightfighter.”

Sasuke chewed his lip until he tasted blood.

\----

Chapter Tracklist:

 **Portugal. The Man** \- Evil Friends  
 **Foster The People** \- Waste


	4. Midnight Orchestra

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 12 year olds kissing.
> 
> Also, this chapter's illustration is a collaboration between myself and my best friend. I did the lines and some details, while she did the colors~

 

 

_January 2002_

“Happy New Year.”

“Can I come with you?” Sasuke asked, looking up at his brother. “I won’t get in the way and I promise I won’t tell mom and dad about what you do, and—” It would be fun. He and Naruto could hang around with Itachi’s friends and maybe even try real alcohol. In only one more year, he’d be a _teenager_. Sasuke was practically an adult already!

Itachi smiled down at him. Sasuke was lying beside Naruto, the two of them having spent New Year’s at the Uchiha house. Because they were twelve, Sasuke’s parents let them do such exciting things as watch the ball drop on TV and drink sparkling grape juice. Sure, Itachi was already well into his training to be a police officer, but he still lived at home. It wasn’t fair that he got to go out to parties and have fun while Sasuke had to entertain Naruto at home. Naruto was never sleepy and always yapping about how much more fun they’d have at _his_ house. Sasuke didn’t admit that it was probably true.

Itachi shook his head. “Sorry kiddo, maybe next time.” When Sasuke pouted, Itachi grinned broadly.

“You always say that.” Sasuke whined.

Itachi nodded. “One day, you’ll be older and we can do lots of things together, okay? Right now, just focus on being a good host.” Itachi flicked Sasuke on the forehead.

Sasuke glared when Naruto snickered beside him.

“Goodnight.” Sasuke muttered.

“Goodnight.” Itachi turned off the lights when he left.

Naruto rolled over and faced Sasuke. “Isn’t it weird that your brother says ‘goodnight’ and tucks you in, like, even though you’re twelve?”

Sasuke shoved Naruto off the bed. “You wouldn’t understand.”

Naruto was a mess of limbs and hair and sheets on the floor, howling in laughter. “It’s a bit dodgy, Sasuke, like—”

Sasuke waved his hand to quiet him before he could hear anything he didn’t want to. “No, no,” he said, pulling Naruto up and back onto the bed, “I don’t think an idiot like you can understand this, but it’s just that . . . I want to be just like him.” Sasuke did. He resented that his parents seemed to favor Itachi and think Sasuke slower, less skilled, _less worthy_. Even so, he loved Itachi, and didn’t blame him for their parents’ favoritism. Itachi was just really great, even someone like Sasuke couldn’t deny it.

Sasuke gasped in surprise when Naruto slapped him.

“That,” Naruto said, all traces of humor gone, “Is something I understand _perfectly_.”

“Uzumaki . . .?”

“Yes, _Uchiha_? Even an idiot like me can get that, okay?” Naruto squished his face up, and it was blue in the darkness. Somewhere outside, people were setting off illegal fireworks, and Naruto would go from blue to green to red to blue again. “You know, one day, you’re going to look up to me!” Good, good, he was still the same predictable Naruto. Sasuke was worried there for a second!

“Ha ha, you wish.”

“You’ll see!”

Naruto yelped “ow!” when Sasuke pushed him off the bed again.

***

Sasuke shifted under the covers. It was too hot, so he kicked them off. It was too cold, so he pulled them back. He settled with one leg in and one leg out and it kinda sucked ass.

Naruto was uncharacteristically still.

Sasuke heard the fireworks crashing, shooting up, miniature rockets. He wondered where Itachi was, and with whom. What was he doing? Was he watching the lights?

Sasuke rolled onto his stomach and buried his face into the pillow. Then he turned and looked at Naruto’s blond head. 

“Have you ever kissed anyone before?” Sasuke whispered into the dark. It was silent so long that he thought Naruto had already gone to sleep.

“No.” He heard, at last.

“Have you ever wanted to, Uzumaki?”

Sasuke held his breath. Slowly, slowly, Naruto shifted, and they lay, side by side, noses touching. Sasuke was going to die. He wanted to take it back, because this was scary and exhilarating and he couldn’t fathom why he would want something so much, so much _it hurt_ , so much he wanted to _touch_ , yet he was so afraid.

“I—”

Naruto closed the gap between them. He kissed Sasuke, not timidly but certainly cautious and exploratory, which, even as overwhelmed as he was, Sasuke noticed. How cute.

Sasuke breathed out, and Naruto flicked his tongue over Sasuke’s bottom lip. Sasuke squeaked and Naruto grinned and then, there, Sasuke felt better. This was _Naruto_. He was kissing _Naruto_ , and it was easy. Sasuke was a genius! He didn’t even have to think about it and he was good at it!

“Your mouth is so wet.” Naruto whispered in a voice Sasuke had never before heard. He was glad that his body was pressed straight down, into the bed.

Sasuke flushed and shivered, saying, “No it’s not! A-and stop smiling!”

“Sasuke, you are ador—”

“No, no, no, no.” Sasuke said. Nope. “We,” Sasuke panted, “We need . . .”

Naruto kissed him again, this time with force and energy and everything Sasuke might have expected. Sasuke clutched at him, moaning into it with abandon. Naruto Uzumaki, with lips and teeth and tongue, was unlocking him.

It was one of many times that Sasuke felt he had crossed some line into adulthood. Sasuke, though, was a kid after all, and when they drew apart, lips tacky, he looked around deliriously for a moment before shoving his face back into the pillow. When was he going to be old enough to understand this? When was he going to be old enough to go places with Itachi? When was he going to be old enough?

***

A few days after New Year’s, Sasuke sat at the topmost step of the Uchiha home’s staircase. He was eavesdropping on his parents, who were, strangely, yelling at his brother.

“I know, I know, Father, but Sasuke isn’t like most kids. I’m just saying that we shouldn’t hold him up to the same standards, okay?”

Sasuke didn’t have to physically see his father to know what his face looked like. Father was a stern man, hardworking and no-nonsense. He was no doubt furrowing his brow. He was a well-respected member of the police force, and saw things, horrible things. Sasuke sympathized with him sort of, as much as a twelve year old could. He just wished that we wasn’t compared to Itachi, when Itachi was already full grown and career-oriented. Sasuke wasn’t sure what he wanted to be when he grew up, but he had intended to worry about it later than sooner.

“Itachi . . . I know you love your brother, so you, of all people, should see how that Naruto is a bad . . .”

Naruto? A bad _what_? Influence? Sasuke could have laughed out loud had it not seemed incongruous at the time.

“He’s just like Sasuke, Father, just a lonely kid.”

Sasuke didn’t think it was true at all that he was lonely. Sasuke had loads of friends. _Everyone_ at school loved him.

“Can you just . . . look after him and make sure . . .” said Mother. Sasuke had been wondering when she’d join the conversation.

“Of course.” Itachi said, and Sasuke heard the tinkle of keys. “Need to get to work. I’ll pick Sasuke up after and take him out, okay?”

The house shook when Itachi shut the door behind him, and Sasuke padded back to his room, throwing open his closet. Why? Why did they disapprove of everything, from his lack of aspirations to the friends he kept? He tossed miscellaneous clothes into his backpack.

***

“Are you running away?” Itachi asked, once they were on the road again. They were leaving Starbucks, a place totally only for people like Itachi—young adults with spare change and dreams and unhealthy obsessions with classic movies.

Sasuke shook his head. “No. You’re taking me to Naruto’s house.”

“I am?”

Sasuke glared at him. Why did Itachi have to end everything he said to him with a stupid little laugh?  A condescending noise. It was like he was constantly telling Sasuke ‘you idiot, you’ll see when you’re older’ and it reminded him of the way Kushina Uzumaki treated Naruto. Sasuke hated everyone older than him—they all thought they knew _so_ much more, but the truth was that they were just assholes.

“Yeah. That’s what I said,” Sasuke paused. “Unless you want to take me to your cop friends’ houses.”

“Sorry Sasuke, maybe next time.”

Sasuke hated him, so much. He wanted to pelt Itachi with the stupid cream-based Vanilla Frappuccino he had bought him.  

“One day, I’m going to hold you to all your ‘maybe next time’s, you realize?”

“I know, kiddo.”

***

“And so,” Sasuke said, “We should only stay at your house from now on.” He was unusually pumped, and stood on Naruto’s bed while the blond stared up at him from his vantage on the floor, expression amused.

Naruto quickly sprang up and tackled him. Sasuke didn’t mind at all. He fell and wiggled to better accommodate their position.

“Wait,” Sasuke said, covering Naruto’s mouth with his hand as the blond moved his face closer. “About . . . _this_ , we should . . . we should set up ground rules.” He withdrew his hand.

Naruto knotted his eyebrows together. “Like what?” he asked.

“Like,” Sasuke paused to knead their mouths together, “like, anything we do on your bed is our secret.”

“Our secret?” Naruto mumbled into the kiss. It was open-mouthed and messy. “I wouldn’t tell anyone, anyway.”

“No, I mean, like, maybe the bed’s secret? I don’t want to talk about any of it, not even to you. But I want to do . . . what we do. I need to figure things out on my own.”

“Figure out things you do with me—someone else—on your own? What about my input?”

Sasuke grimaced at him. “I guess you don’t have to agree, but if you don’t, then I won’t do this—” he motioned between them “—with you anymore.”

“You’re not playing fair, Sasuke.”

“I don’t play fair, Uzumaki.” Sasuke smirked at him. “You game?”

“Yeah,” Naruto said, “I’m down, I’m down for the ride.”

“Good.” Sasuke kissed him once more. “It’s the only rule we have, okay?”

He wanted to taste and explore. He let instinct move his hands and hips. When not anger or restlessness, Sasuke’s incipient sexuality motivated most of his actions. It had been happening more and more lately. He bit Naruto’s neck, and reveled in the sound it evoked.

***

_January 2012_

Sasuke paused in the doorway and fixed his eyes on Naruto. Naruto was sitting in the middle of the kitchen table, and all of his homework and school shit had been shoved to the floor. He was surrounded by spiral notebooks and was scribbling furiously into one.

“Naruto?” Sasuke asked, hanging up his jacket before moving closer. “Naruto, how old are you?”

Naruto stopped and frowned at him. “Oh my God, Sasuke, you are such a retard. Twelve, twelve, Sasuke. I’m twelve.”

“Heh,” said Sasuke, he picked up one of the notebooks and flipped through it absentmindedly. “Don’t call me a retard, Uzumaki. No one in this world has ever been more retarded than you. There’s this thing, you know. It’s called a chair.”

“Shut your face!” Uzumaki chucked a handful of the books at him. “Meanwhile,” he yapped, “When you were at work, I was busy reading these. I know I wrote things about dad in here, in a way that mom couldn’t decipher if she found them.” He sniggered and seemed very proud of himself. He had obviously started a new entry, too. Maybe compiling notes?

“Yeah?” Sasuke said, dropping the book he held on the pile of the ones that Uzumaki had tossed at him. Uzumaki had missed, by the way.

“Yeah. Dad was definitely following a drug trafficker. I just don’t get what this would have to do with Itachi. But . . . I have a feeling that dad thought his files might be found, because they’re _really_ vague.”

Sasuke bobbed his head. “Of course.”

“It’s just . . . what do you remember about when your parents were killed?”

Sasuke’s blood was icy sludge. “Not much.” Sasuke took a deep breath. “I remember Itachi pulling me into his chest and telling me things would be all right and it was fast and I was brainless and I slept in the back of a cop car.”

Sasuke hated the way Uzumaki looked at him right then.

Uzumaki rocked himself a little, before crawling off the table. “I read Naruto’s diary, too. Where did you go last night?”

“Orochimaru’s.” As usual. Sasuke was there three, four times a week.

“Oh.” Sasuke hated the way Uzumaki had said that, too. “I don’t suppose you’ll tell me what you went there for?”

Sasuke shook his head. “Sorry kiddo, maybe next time.”

***

It wasn’t like his parents’ death was easy to get over, but Sasuke had had Itachi there for him growing up. It was Itachi who created havens, who let Sasuke be himself, no matter if one day he was energetic and then the next day lazy.

Because Itachi was there to scoop Sasuke up off the ground and take him away from the Uchiha house, Sasuke had never seen the dirtier parts of murder until Itachi was the victim.

“I remember,” he said to Uzumaki, who was now on the bed, holding the notebook from earlier. “When Itachi brought me to Orochimaru’s place for the first time. He told me that Orochimaru was a friend of Kabuto’s—this other cop—and that we’d all live there together and everything’d be okay.”

Uzumaki nodded, and as if it were important, wrote what Sasuke said down. Sasuke rolled his eyes, but didn’t bitch.

Sasuke was digging through a large shoebox he had found in the closet. It was Naruto’s, but he figured he had freedom to look through anything. It was sort of strange, the contents, like a wad of letters held together by a rubberband, miscellaneous knickknacks, and a folded up shirt.

He shifted that crap aside and pulled out a photo. Naruto and Gaara. Naruto didn’t seem to be much younger than he was currently, but Sasuke didn’t recognize where they were or the clothes Naruto was wearing. He thus assumed the photo was taken anywhere between them being 18 to 22, when he was decidedly not a part of Naruto’s life in the slightest.

There were more photos, he discovered, a trove of them. Naruto and Gaara in someone’s house, at a party of some sorts, at Konoha Brews.

What was this?

“I remember you too, Uzumaki. Holding Officer Hatake’s hand, covered in blood and carrying a lock of red hair. You—”

Uzumaki immediately screamed. A lonesome sound. “Stop it! Sasuke, stop!”

Sasuke moved closer. “Six new scars, three for each cheek.”

“No, no, stop, _please_.”

Sasuke petted him. Poor baby. “I remember when you moved in with Iruka, too, the only one who’d take you.”

“Sasuke, why are you doing this?” Uzumaki whispered. His face was red and tears spilt over easily. Ah Naruto. Always quick to cry.

“Do you? Do you remember, Uzumaki? That was the same time I said we couldn’t do _those things_ anymore. I bet you were really lonely.”

Uzumaki bit his bottom lip. When he opened his mouth again, his sound of anguish almost made Sasuke stop.

Sasuke was pissed off though. Why did Naruto have a . . . he didn’t fucking know, a _boyfriend box_ of Gaara shit? Sasuke was shaking. This was unfair, because he knew, _knew_ , that he was the only one who could manipulate Naruto this way. He also knew he was picking on a child and that Uzumaki probably wasn’t completely knowledgeable about the Gaara box. Still, he didn’t give a fuck.

“Because you hate yourself, right?” Sasuke asked with a smile. “Because you’ve always blamed yourself for what happened to your mother. You couldn’t save her, just like I couldn’t save my parents, but what’s more?” Sasuke narrowed his eyes in predatory glee. “I wasn’t yours after that.”

Uzumaki curled into himself, and Sasuke poked him. “You never had me again.” He said each word slowly.

He left the room, Uzumaki a quivering ball, and sat on the couch, waiting. He had brought up Kushina’s death, so he was guaranteed to provoke the darker side of Naruto.

Kurama, Kurama, who longed and loathed as hard as Sasuke.

***

Sasuke heard the door slam open. There was a crash when Naruto pushed over the small bookcase in the hallway, and when he came into the living room, Sasuke could feel the heat of his rage.

“Kurama,” Sasuke said casually. “It’s been awhile.”

“I will fucking kill you.” Because he had taunted Uzumaki. And Sasuke already knew that while Kurama hated Naruto, he adored Uzumaki.

Sasuke laughed. Kurama was scary, sure, but Sasuke had long stopped fearing anything. A child’s mistake, underestimating Naruto; Sasuke was knocked out cold before he could move.

All the Lightfighter in his system did nothing to help.

***

_Sasuke entwined his fingers with Naruto’s. He mouthed out something into Naruto’s mouth, lips moving but utterly voiceless._

_Naruto laughed and replied. “I love you, too.”_

_Naruto swallowed Sasuke’s shocked breath._

\----

Chapter Tracklist:

 **Aqua Timez** \- 真夜中のオーケストラ


	5. The Cherry That Loved a Wedding Cake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From here on out, the explicit rating is applicable. I chose not to use archive warnings because I feel that, while some of the content may fit with the available warnings, said warnings do not represent the story as a whole. Therefore, all chapters will be individually warned for.
> 
> This chapter's warnings:
> 
>  **Explicit Content Warnings:** underage, dubcon  
>  **Trigger Warnings:** references abortion
> 
> Thank you for being patient if you've been following this story! The semesters in Japan are strange, and I'm having midterms right now.
> 
> Also, if you like the chapter art, you can see it full-sized (along with the other chapter illustrations) on my tumblr--link is in my profile ♥

_Saturday, April 28, 2007_

“Naruto, do you think we were a good couple?” She asked drowsily.

Naruto froze initially, but then smiled a little. “Yes. We were.” This he said assuredly.

“Should I have . . .” Sakura’s words were slow. “We made the right choice, right?”

Naruto squeezed her tightly and his smile was gone as quickly as it had appeared. Was there ever such a thing as the one and only right choice? “We’re kids,” he tried, feeling stupider than ever. “I . . . I think so.” This he said hesitantly.

“Ino says there’s support groups for this kind of thing, like . . .” Sakura labored a breath, “Like, if we feel . . .”

He knew.

The sun was rising, and Sakura’s pastel dress was stained orange. Her blonde roots were showing, dye fading. She looked like her namesake: something that wilted.

“Will you come with me?”

Of course he would go. He couldn’t understand why, but the pain of having lost someone he had never met was like scraping a vegetable peeler against the guts.

“Yes.” Naruto agreed readily. It hurt, it _did_ hurt, it hurt. Why did he even bother putting on that fake fucking smile and interacting with their friends like nothing had changed, like his whole, reconstructed world hadn’t imploded in one instant?

“We’re kids,” she mumbled, echoing him, “We’re kids, we’re kids.”

There was no breeze, so the new day’s awakening heat warmed his face. From his vantage in the open bed of his car, he could see nothing but light and treetops from the cliffs below. His tuxedo weighed too much on his body, and for a second, a terrifying and exhilarating second, he wanted to feel nothing more than a rush and run as fast as he could and fling himself off the bridge and mean it until the very last breath; everyone means it until the last breath.

“I’m sorry.” This he said soundlessly.

***

_Friday, January 6, 2012_

Naruto opened his eyes. Sunlight was shining dimly through the wooden blinds of his kitchen window. He was lying on the linoleum floor. When he put his weight on his palm to prop himself up, he felt a sharp slice that sent sensation up his neck and directly below his ear. He looked down. He was amidst shards of broken dishes. He lifted his hand and turned it upwards. Slender scratches were coated in flaking blood.

“Finally awake?”

Naruto raised his head towards that voice. Sasuke was sitting on the ground, leaning against the side of the dining table. He was nursing a bruised face, a Ziploc bag of ice pressed to his left temple.

“Sasuke . . .”

“I’ve only just woke up, too.” Sasuke said. He snorted bitterly. “I guess this is what I get for aggravating you. Well, not really _you_ , but you get me. I’m just glad I don’t have a concussion.”

Naruto’s heart was constricting, tighter, tighter. “I . . .” He scratched at the bits of ceramic stuck on and in his hand.

Sasuke shook his head. “When I don’t take my medicine regularly, I get . . . well, I get pretty fucked up.”

_Medicine?_

“Medicine?”

“Yeah. Call in sick. You can go in tomorrow.”

Naruto wanted to protest because he was _shift manager_ , but the schedules were set that week and the payroll was up to date. He had just done the quality check a few days prior. Konoha Brews would be fine without him for the day. He nodded slowly.

“How much do you recall?” Sasuke asked.

Naruto took a shaky breath. “Not much. With Kurama, it’s like . . . I see everything for a few moments, and then I just kinda black out.”

“Hm. No different than before, then.”

“Sasuke?”

“Yeah?”

“Why do you . . . why do you tell them things, but not me?”

Sasuke’s eyebrow twitched, almost imperceptibly. “I don’t know.”

Naruto slumped into himself and pulled his legs against his chest. “They know a lot about me and each other, but I don’t know much about them . . .”

“I remember.”

“If I’m going to—”

“Look, Naruto, here’s the thing. Uzumaki and Kurama work with me. They’re not always easy, but they work. You, though,” Sasuke took a breath and it sounded like a hiss, like a snake, “are much too sweet to me.”

Naruto pushed his face into his knees. “Kindness is not weakness, Sasuke.” He wanted to push straight through his eye sockets.

“I don’t deserve it.” Sasuke murmured and Naruto would’ve yelled at him and called him stupid and dramatic, but he felt too drained and low. Instead, he gave an empty laugh. He was disgusted with himself; it was all too easy to agree with Sasuke. That thought threatened to crush him, so he stifled it.

Sasuke then whispered, “Hey, Naruto?”

“Yeah?”

“Uzumaki . . . how come he doesn’t know things about me after I left? He didn’t know you no longer lived with Iruka and was stoked about me driving, like it was new.”

“Uzumaki has been . . . dormant . . . since I was eighteen.”

“Long time. Came out for me easy enough, though.”

Naruto nodded. That he also didn’t want to think about. He said “I’ll make breakfast.” Before, though, he needed to clean up. He reached for the broom.

***

_10\. Did you know that when you think no one is looking, you smile in a complete calmness like you’re one with the world, and I’ve always wanted to know what you’re thinking when you do that, like, how is it that you know so much and understand so much and are better at everything and no matter what I do, I’m always a kid? But I don’t know, and I never can know, and I love that, too._

***

_Thursday, January 5, 2012_

_Naruto, you gotta find your dad’s actual case files. My notes are patchy since I only could record the ones I found before mom hid them permanently. Of course I memorized the files I_ did _have, but mom had loads more that I only got to look at. There might have even been more than that, too! Ones I’ve never even laid eyes on. Maybe Iruka knows where mom hid them? Maybe he has some information—you should call him._

_Sasuke was at Orochimaru’s house; he actually goes there all the time, like you might have suspected, by the way. He said so, but I don’t know if he’ll tell you, so I will. I’ll make sure I hide this entry so he doesn’t see it. I’ll leave it in the secret spot so I know you’ll find it (and, obviously, if you’re reading this, then you did find it). I’ll write a fake one just for him—he makes sure to read everything I write to you so I can’t reveal more to you than he wants. Knowing that, hide what you write if it concerns him._

_Here’s the thing, though. Naruto, I know Sasuke is lost somewhere. I know that even though he’s here physically, he is orbiting so far away that nothing could touch him. I don’t know what happened to him in the years you haven’t seen him, but . . . when he lies beside me, quietly, I see him as a child still, just like me, and  . . . he needs me . . . you. He needs us._

_Today Sasuke seems kinda twitchy and off, and I hear Kurama, screaming to come out. I wouldn’t be surprised if something happens, so be careful, okay?_

_I’ll start writing out what of dad’s files I do know, and I’ll also leave them for you in the secret spot. I’ll put my notes there, too. Look . . . I know . . . more than Sasuke thinks, because, right as he was drifting from me and avoiding me and we lost our families, I found case files that mention several Uchihas. I haven’t told him yet, because I don’t know what kind of reaction it might inspire in him, but . . . you're not alone, okay? You've got me.  
_

_I’ll do my best to help you._

_\--Naruto_

***

Once it was Monday the next week, winter holidays had ended. The weekend had been a somber and silent thing, and Naruto and Sasuke hardly spoke. They slept in the same bed, but it was a hollow motion. Naruto had night classes and worked in the mornings, and Sasuke had more afternoon-centric days. On one hand Naruto could count the times he was properly with Sasuke that week, so by the time the next weekend came, Naruto was happy they both had it free to be together.

On Friday and Saturday, Naruto discovered a quiet, lethargic side of Sasuke. Sasuke liked to watch classic movies—ones where the credits played first and took twenty years. Sasuke would connect an HDMI cord from his lime green Sony Vaio into Naruto’s TV and lie on his side on the couch watching Audrey Hepburn and Albert Finney traverse the world; Sasuke was always lying down—he seemed perpetually tired. Sasuke listened to bands Naruto had never heard of and was sure made Sasuke feel superior and cosmopolitan, huge headphones blocking out everything else. Sasuke never turned off his cell phone, but he did stuff it deep under the couch cushions. Sasuke sighed a lot.

On Sunday night, they rolled together and kissed. They slept clinging to each other.

On Monday morning, they pulled apart and went on with their lives.

***

_Monday, January 16, 2012_

_I’m worried. I haven’t had any blackouts, I think, and there’s been nothing from Kurama or Uzumaki. Until I hear from Uzumaki, I’m putting off talking to Iruka, which I know is probably fucking dumb, but. . . . I checked under the floorboard a few times, but the compartment is always empty, and there’s nothing to add to his last message to me. Sasuke hasn’t mentioned the crime for over a week, and ~~I wonder if he’s doing something behind my back.~~ Of course he’s doing something behind my back. _

_I need to . . ._

Naruto put his pen down. He needed to tail Sasuke. Another Orochimaru call was imminent, Naruto could feel it. He’d just get in his SUV and follow and find out where that fucker lived . . . He was certain Orochimaru was the cause of all Sasuke’s problems. Why did Sasuke willing go to him, over and over?

“Welcome,” he said on instinct when the bell above the door rang. He peered up and was so happy with who he saw that he could have cried. “Kakashi!”

“That’s _Officer_ Kakashi to you,” the cop smiled. Not like anyone who wasn’t Naruto could tell, though. Germaphobic freak was always wearing some sort of face covering; today’s was a surgical mask. “Doing your homework? Shouldn’t be slacking off on the job.” Officer Kakashi’s platinum bangs usually covered a single eye to hide his heterochromia, but that day, both his hazel eye and his deep blue eye were showing.

“N-no,” Naruto said, folding up the piece of paper he had been writing on. He stuffed it away into his backpack, which was under the counter, near his feet. Heeding Uzumaki’s warning, Naruto kept his entries on his person at all times. “And you’re one to talk, Officer. Are you here for donuts?” He sneered teasingly, because ha ha, but Officer Kakashi merely lifted a brow.

“Oh yes, that sounds good.”

Naruto thinned his lips into a level line and pulled out a small plate from the cabinet next to the glass confectionary case. Their new supplies had finally come in, so the dish was shaped like a leaf. Officer Kakashi angled his head at it amusedly.

“Cute,” he said.

Naruto groaned. “Ah, are you just stopping in or are you here for a reason?”

Officer Kakashi waved around a paperback. “Just decided to visit you after work. That, and catch up on some reading.”

“Same trash as always, I see. I don’t know how you can read stuff like that, it’s _so_ boring.” Naruto set about preparing the usual and he heard a quiet laugh.

Naruto didn’t know what else to say, though he wanted to talk lots. He wanted to ask Officer Kakashi about things and catch up and confide and and and . . .

He stood motionlessly after he passed over the change.

He had spoken to Kakashi like ten billion times before; they were as much friends as a brat and authority figure could be, so Naruto had no idea why this was so hard. Was it because of Sasuke’s insistence that the police were involved in Itachi’s murder? But this was _Officer Kakashi_ , he would never do something awful like kill another cop, nor would he cover it up, and Naruto knew nothing about the crime and hadn’t even looked up any of the details and was really just running on Sasuke’s petrol and his mind was making up scenarios from all angles.

So, he stood motionlessly, stupidly, and wildly out of step with the crime he was supposed to investigating.

Eventually, Officer Kakashi took up cross-legged residence on a window seat and was absorbed in his reading, coffee cup and plate untouched beside him.

Naruto rocked on his heels and watched him.

 _Hey, Officer Kakashi, what was my dad like?_ No, wait, weird, and only relevant because Sasuke got it in his head that Naruto’s dad’s case files had something to do with Itachi—a thought that Uzumaki had seemingly corroborated in his last entry—and fuck, really, how could Naruto be of any help without knowing these things? Did Uzumaki know? Kurama? Without contact, he had no idea . . . like, maybe Uzumaki had indeed come out and was unable to leave a record and Naruto just couldn’t remember it . . . shit. Just _shit._ It wasn’t likely; it was more probable that Naruto was overcome with his own ineptitude and was looking for any reason to forestall something painful.

The cop flipped another page.

_Hey, Officer Kakashi, what do you know about why my dad and mom were . . ._

No, no, that was all wrong. Besides, he had asked that numerous times.

“Hey, um, Officer Kakashi?” Naruto hadn’t noticed that he had slid around the counter and had glided towards the other man. He hadn’t noticed, and that scared him a little.

_Hey, Officer Kakashi, do you know what happened to Itachi Uchiha?_

“Hm?”

“Can we . . . can we talk sometime?”

“We’re talking now, Naruto.”

“Right. I mean, can we talk, like, privately . . . sometime . . . soon?”

Officer Kakashi lifted a brow and Naruto scratched the blond hair above his own right ear. Why was this so awkward?

_‘Cause baby there ain’t no mountain high enough,_  
 _Ain’t no valley low enough,_  
 _Ain’t no river wide enough,_  
 _To keep me from getting to you, babe._

Naruto mimicked the cop, and raised a single brow. What the hell kind of ringtone was that?

“Hello?” Kakashi said, after sliding his cell’s screen up and rotating it with a thumb. Naruto had no idea what kind of phone did that, but it looked pretty sweet. “Ah, well, you see, I was on my way over, but then one of my,  uh . . .” he looked up at Naruto, “ . . . Ah, you remember Naruto, right? Well, we crossed paths and got to talking and wow, time sure does fly.” He chuckled good-naturedly, but whoever he was talking to didn’t seem to fall for it. Naruto heard some digitally-distorted but nonetheless passionate sobs on the other end.

“Ha ha, I love you too.”

Naruto raised his upper lip quizzically. This was kinda gross, whatever it was. He waited until the phone call had ended before saying, “So, uh, nice, using me as an excuse there.”

“You don’t mind, right? Anyways, soon then? I’m late for my date!”

It didn’t surprise Naruto one bit that Officer Kakashi was late for something. But, wait, a date? Well, he did say ‘I love you,’ but Naruto assumed that was bullshit.

“What the fuck?” He asked before he could stop himself, “A date?”

“Mmm.” Kakashi nodded and handed Naruto the dishes, food uneaten and coffee still warm. “Even married people have to go on dates sometimes. Keeps things interesting.”

“Married?” Naruto asked lamely. Officer Kakashi wore no rings and never talked about a wife, and wait, what? _What?_ “How, how long have you been married?”

“Hm, fifty, maybe sixty years now.”

“What? You’re not even forty.” He had known Kakashi for ten years, and had never heard any of this. Well, not like they were BFF, but still.

“That’s true. Okay, well, it was nice seeing you.”

“Wait! So . . . soon then, yeah? And why were you here, hanging out, if you had a date?”

“Of course, Naruto,” Officer Kakashi said, squeezing Naruto’s shoulder, “And you know, I’m terrible about that kind of thing.” He said this with a smile that made his eyes curl up into arcs, “Don’t tell anyone I was here, okay? Wouldn’t want to get a bad rep.”

“Yeah, whatever. Call me, all right?”

“Sure thing.”

Naruto coughed when Officer Kakashi left, and went back behind the counter.

_Hey, Officer Kakashi, what should I do . . . about Sasuke?_

***

_29\. I would love nothing more than to put you back together. Maybe it’s the doctor in me, aha, maybe I love knowing where all your pieces go._

***

_“You’re going to prison next time,” Officer Kakashi sighed as he checked his clipboard. He slid Naruto a manila envelope. “Your possessions,” he said unnecessarily. Naruto had been arrested enough times, and protocol was nothing but a formality at that point._

_“Officer . . .” Naruto mumbled. “No one believes me. No one even believes this . . . disorder . . . is real.”_

_Officer Kakashi exhaled noisily. “I wish you could stay out of trouble. Anyways,” he indicated towards the double-doors, where another cop stood by, waiting, “Iruka’s out in the lobby. Go home, get some rest.”_

_“Do you believe me?”_

***

Naruto came home from his classes around 7pm, and Sasuke was lying on the couch, with his headphones on, singing loudly and badly:

_“Oh, well I never_  
 _Sever the ties._  
 _And fuck forever,_  
 _If you don't mind._  
 _See, I'm stuck forever,_  
 _I'm stuck in your mind, your mind, your mind.”_

Yeah, Naruto had heard that song tons of times by then—it was Sasuke’s ringtone. He ignored the annoyance that shot through him knowing he heard it when Orochimaru was calling, and instead focused on the small jolt of glee that Sasuke wasn’t good at everything. He waved his hand to get the other man’s attention.

Sasuke had no shame, like Naruto would have had, and just turned off the music and sat up. He didn’t seem fazed that he had been caught warbling.

“Hi,” Naruto said, and dropped down into the place made available by Sasuke’s repositioning.

“Hey.”

“I saw Officer Hatake today.”

“Oh.”

Naruto sighed. “Uh, look, I don’t think he’s a bad guy, Sasuke. We should talk to him.”

Sasuke squinted at him. “Are you totally fucking stupid?”

“Okay, you need to shut your fucking face. I’m trying to help.”

“Well, do me a favor and leave it to your alter-egos.”

Well, that was quick. Maybe that’s just how it was with them—unable to have normal people conversations. Naruto was about to really jumpstart the seemingly inevitable fight, but Sasuke’s eyes caught onto something Naruto couldn’t see. He stilled.

“Itachi?” Naruto asked.

“Yes.” Sasuke whispered, and he was transfixed on nothing, and Naruto got it, suddenly, and why didn’t he get it before? Sasuke . . . was on drugs. Sasuke was a drug user and Orochimaru was, he didn’t know, a drug dealer? and nothing was okay, and Uzumaki was right, Sasuke was lost. _Medicine_? Yeah fucking right.

Sasuke must have caught on to the understanding, because with predator speed, he pushed Naruto’s shoulders into the couch cushions and started the chant that rendered Naruto a ghost.

***

_“This is fucking stupid,” Sasuke said, crawling into the open hatch of Naruto’s car.  Although it wasn’t chilly in the sunrise, he pulled a blanket around himself, “If you think you two are badass for skipping the dance and coming here . . .”_

_Sakura snorted. “Says the guy who decided to chauffeur us on our date in the first place.” It was so true! For someone who always went on about how he didn’t give a shit about their relationship, he sure seemed to gravitate around them a lot._

_Naruto laughed. It wasn’t like he didn’t believe Sakura when she said she was over Sasuke, like for a whole year now, it was just something else to see it in reality. She didn’t fawn over him.  Even if Naruto and Sakura hadn’t just broken up, that might’ve killed him._

_Sasuke rubbed under his nose and made some clicking noise with his tongue. “You guys are losers. You think after you graduate, ‘real life’ begins, which is shit, since ‘real life’ is always happening. That’s why you do gay things like go see the sunrise on prom and act like you’re characters in some young adult novel.”_

_“Oh really? Does Sasuke know what’s up in the world? What are you going to do after you graduate?” Sakura inquired, leaning towards him. Naruto’s teeth bared for only one second._

_“Who cares about that shit?”_

_“I do!” Said Naruto, feeling a bit competitive for no reason at all, really, since, yeah, he had already established Sasuke as Not A Threat in his head seconds prior! “I’m going to be a doctor, for sure.”_

_Sasuke laughed, and again, harder, when Naruto punched him in the arm. “Fucking still? What is it with you?”_

_“I want to work at a clinic, maybe be a GP?” Sakura said, wrapping her arms around Naruto’s. He trembled for a moment, but then relaxed. It was going to be okay._

_“Definitely an emergency room doctor. I know I’ll never sleep and never have any free time, but it’s the best for me, anyways. I don’t like having free time, I mean, like I have so much energy and I want to help people and it’s just win-win,” said Naruto._

_“You’re both going to be doctors? Real cute. You can even have three spoiled kids and send them to private schools and give them those horrible sweet sixteen parties with elephants and rock bands.”_

_Yep, Sakura was over Sasuke—she slapped him, and smiled in reply to his gaping mouth. “You’re full of douchebag comments today, aren’t you?”_

_“Don’t be assholes.” He said, and he meant them,_ Naruto and Sakura _, and that made Naruto shiver, because they were still considered a unit. Of course no one knew yet, but the jolt it gave him left him with goosebumps. “A lot of people don’t have their whole fucking lives planned out in high school. I’ll probably do some shit with Itachi.”_

_“Can’t you do anything without Itachi?” Sakura asked, and Sasuke’s eyes looked red in the light of the rising sun, like something cruel had sparked to life within him._

_He said, “You’ll probably just be knocked up and married to Naruto in a few months, so I wouldn’t talk.”_

***

“Come out, come out, wherever you are. Come out, little one.”

***

_Sasuke entwined his fingers with Naruto’s. He mouthed out something into Naruto’s mouth, lips moving but utterly voiceless._

_Naruto laughed and replied. “I love you, too.”_

_Naruto swallowed Sasuke’s shocked breath._

_“How do you know?” Sasuke squeaked._

_“Hm, I just do.”_

_Sasuke frowned like that reply was personally offensive and distasteful to him._

_Naruto kissed him again. “Does Princess Sasuke need me to compliment him and make a list of the thirty things I love about him?” It was an arbitrary number, but he liked it better than ten._

_“Shut the hell up, idiot.”_

_“Haha, you totally do! Geez, and you call me a loser!”_

_“You are, and will always be, a loser!”_

***

_Saturday, December 31, 2011_

_Happy New Year. My resolution is to . . ._

_Bring Sasuke back from the void._

***

_Naruto wiped the blood up, and growled. Sasuke deserved it, deserved way worse._

_Sasuke never knew about the things they experienced in their personal lives because he never asked and didn’t give a fuck, and only hovered over them, judgmentally, so it was_ so _not right that he could say something that apt without meaning to and without feeling a thing._

***

_Sorry it took me so long to get back to you, Naruto._

Case Number: NAMIKAZE04-1989-07

Hire Date: November 14, 1989

Date Filed: November 21, 1989

I followed the subject around for four (4) days. On the first and second days, he did nothing but usual errands, and was troubling in the least.

On the third day, the subject visited Sound Village, an apartment complex with a reputation for harboring small-time criminals. In the past year, there have been six (6) notable arrests made at aforementioned complex (see supplemental notes). The subject entered an apartment on the second floor, so I, dressed as a delivery man, went up the metal stairs myself. He entered apartment number 230.

I eavesdropped against the door. As expected, without setting up equipment, this was not quite effective, though I recorded a single, repeated name:

Yakushi.

_Sasuke’s home, I have to go._

***

_27\. I wish you didn’t ditch me after what happened. I wish that you would still want to read something like this. I wish you knew that it doesn’t matter to me what we go through as long as we have each other. I’d happily carry any burden for you._

***

_“We’re kids.”_

***

“Uzumaki, you missed this, right?” Sasuke murmured against Naruto’s lips. Naruto shivered. “Want me to kiss you?”

Naruto knew Sasuke wouldn’t continue without an answer because he was totally unfair all of the time! “Yes,” he whispered. He got it.

“I can even do more than that. Want me more than you ever had me?”

Did Sasuke summon him to fool around? _More than that?_ Naruto had never . . . wait, no, yes he had! _Naruto_ had, the _real_ Naruto. Could he count that for himself as _Uzumaki_? He didn’t remember much of it aside from the first fumblings with Sakura, but then, somewhere in the blackness, memories reached out to him with amorphous, jittery limbs.

_“Does it hurt?” Naruto asked, quaking._

_“A little,” Sakura admitted, but she was smiling._

“I don’t know . . .” Did Naruto get the case file yet? He wanted to hide more under the floorboards, but he was always, _always_ with Sasuke.

“Of course you do, darling.”

Naruto shuddered.

“Suck, get them all wet.” Sasuke said, pushing his middle and ring fingers into Naruto’s mouth. Naruto’s cheeks burned. He bit the interlopers in surprise, but Sasuke smiled.

_“I feel calm.”_

_“God, Gaara, I love you.”_

“Feels good, right?” Sasuke asked, moving the fingers slowly. Naruto whined around them. Why would sucking Sasuke’s fingers feel good to do? The act itself was relatively innocuous, but . . . he _did_ feel good, in his head, in his chest. He curled his legs up.

Naruto was lying on the dining room table and Sasuke was standing over him. Stacks of notebooks were cast aside, spilt onto the floor and chair seats. This was where he awoke. He didn’t know how he ended up there.

Sasuke withdrew his fingers, smiling at the saliva amusedly. Sasuke then kissed him, and kissed him, and Naruto broke the trail of spit with a swipe of his tongue.

“So cute. You want me to do more, right?”

“Hmm-hmm,” he breathed, and hated it. Was this . . . was he doing wrong by Naruto? No, no, because they were the same, right, and he had always loved Sasuke and wanted it, _wanted this_.

_“Your hair smells good.”_

_Between moans, Naruto gasped, “You’re a weirdo, Gaara.”_

“Can you handle it, doing adult things?”

Naruto frowned. Of course he could, because _Naruto_ could. “Don’t patronize me, Sasuke.”

“Oh, we’re using the big words now, are we?” Sasuke unzipped his fly and even though Naruto wanted it—right? right?—his heart jumped and it ached.

“‘Patronize’ isn’t a big word.”

Sasuke paused and pondered him for a second. “Are you scared, Uzumaki?”

Naruto snorted. “I’m not afraid of anything!”

_“I’m coming, oh my God.”_

_Naruto pushed himself up and marveled at Sakura, wriggling and sweaty. “Really?” For real? For real? He was making her come_ for real _?!_

_She threw her arms around him gleefully. “Oh my God! Don’t stop now, you idiot!”_

_He laughed._

“Good.” Sasuke said, and his voice was awful. Flat. He sounded like he absolutely was far away, and that was probably the truth, and Naruto had no idea how to keep him there and grounded and safe forever. Sasuke continued, “I know what I’m doing. Just let me, okay?”

“Okay.”

***

_“Two Wedding Cake White Mochas,” Lady Tsunade said, passing the drinks to Naruto. He took both and mumbled a thanks. He sat in a stool, kicking his orange Converse into the counter distractedly._

_Tsunade sighed. “Look, kiddo, I know you guys are young and have only been dating for what, half a year, but if that test comes back positive, you’ll make something work, okay?”_

_Naruto couldn’t meet her eyes, so he glanced at her glossy lips instead and nodded. Without meaning to, Lady Tsunade had brought up something that made Naruto feel worse—that he and Sakura hadn’t been dating long. It had been five months to be precise, and Naruto didn’t know if he was in love with Sakura or if he loved her, full stop, but maybe not like that, and although without a doubt she was the coolest chick he knew, he figured that distinction was important. There would have been no question about his feelings if he were fifteen or sixteen, but at eighteen, everything in his life that had seemed anchored and established felt uprooted and shaken. He sipped his coffee, and watched listlessly as his knuckles turned white when he made and released nervous fists. He looked back towards the bathroom doors when he heard the hinges creak._

_When Sakura came out, face wan, he flung himself at her with enough force to knock the stool over, and squeezed her tightly. She let out a high, hopeless sound, and Tsunade quickly ushered them into the break room._

***

“How old are you?” The officer in the back of the car asked. He stroked Naruto’s arm comfortingly. Naruto tried to focus on him and only him. There were too many people— _non-people_ —around them and it was making him itch.

“I’m twelve,” Naruto said. He could answer basic questions, yes, yes, his name was Naruto and he was twelve and yes, he did have his phone number memorized, and he knew his address and had no allergies and . . . “How old are you?”

The officer laughed. “Twenty-six.”

Naruto asked “What’s your name?”

“I’m Officer Hatake.”

Naruto nodded, but then added “I meant your first name.”

“Kakashi.”

“That’s a cool name. Why do you cover your face?”

“Feels better than showing it.”

“Oh.” That was it. That was all could do then and Naruto had to avoid thinking about the blood and the tightness of the temporary bandages on his cheeks and his mother. He closed his eyes and longed for black but it was only red, roaming, like sunspots. He tried his best to talk to the officer telepathically, pretending he was still thinly connected to the rest of the human populace, but he was adrift, alone. It was a very dark red.

Officer Hatake held the boy in his arms and Naruto had no idea that he had started crying, or wailing, screaming and shaking as the social workers told the people around them okay, it was safe to move him to another facility, he needed to be away from this, he was ready for the hospital proper. He screamed with intention when EMTs tried to pry him out of Officer Hatake’s arms, so Officer Hatake walked them both to the ambulance, and got in the back. He held Naruto like the boy was much smaller than twelve.

There were people _everywhere_ and Naruto wanted them all to become more visible, more real, and he wanted to just wake up already, but even then he knew he never would. A rage grew inside of him; even crowded and suffocated by strangers, he was the only solid, real thing, trapped under plastic wrap, trying to claw his way to air.

Officer Kakashi didn’t complain when Naruto threw up on him, he just bounced the boy up higher in his arms to move him away from the sick. Naruto soaked his shirt.

***

Sasuke smudged the tip of his cock against the inside of Naruto’s cheek; the blond twisted his tongue to curl against the salty organ in his mouth. He could handle this, handle strange, shallow violation perfectly well.

Naruto was on his elbows and knees on the table, writing as Sasuke worked fingers inside of him, in a corkscrew motion.

“More?” Sasuke asked. It was condescending as all fuck, an implication Naruto couldn’t take it, and Naruto, mind still on his counterpart, no, his true self, wished he wasn’t _Uzumaki_ anymore.

He hummed his assent, mouth full, and Sasuke bucked his hips harder, dick angled down, dragging on Naruto’s tongue.

***

_“I’m going to kill this kid,” Naruto said, ignoring the social worker to sit uninvited on Officer Kakashi’s lap. “The only one who should use this body is me.”_

_“And you are?”_

_“Kurama.”_

***

“Fuck, you threw up on my dick.” Sasuke said, reaching for a dish towel on the kitchen counter. He wiped off the clear stickiness coating his hard on.

“It’s only water,” Naruto said, sitting up, and scratching his own hair. He felt pried open, mouth and ass, and he wasn’t afraid of Sasuke, and probably could never be, but was feverish and ready to be off the table and done. Besides, it was all Sasuke’s fault for stimulating his gag reflex, anyways.

Sasuke came back to him, dropping the towel on the floor. “Try harder, yeah?”

Naruto huffed.

“You want me to be happy, right? Make me happy.”

“You’re belt-lining, Sasuke.” He meant _you’re going somewhere you shouldn’t._

“Just, just make me happy, Uzumaki.”

“Anything for you.”

***

_“I believe you.” Kakashi answered._

_***_

“Drink all of it, darling.”

Naruto leveled a glare at Sasuke and licked up the come on the table.

“Happy now, you freak? Ah, I can’t concentrate when you do that!” Naruto squeaked. Sasuke was finger-fucking him, and Naruto was so full, and he swore he could feel it _in his dick_ , like being pulled by a taut string on the inside.

He laid his face in the tacky remnants of ejaculate, and closed his eyes. Would Naruto be all right? He wanted to run up to him and hug him and tell him everything was okay, but they shared the same body and it was impossible, and he was so small, too small, too dumb and oh so awful.

_***_

_1\. Because, without you in it, my life is desolate._

***

Naruto blinked sleepily, awakening after an unforeseen nap, body flat against the table and a couple notebooks that had lodged themselves underneath him. Sasuke was mulling around in the kitchen, shaking, agitated.

Naruto blinked.

Sasuke was holding a sugar cube.

Naruto blinked.

Sasuke slid the sugar cube in a small pile of white powder on the counter.

Naruto blinked.

Sasuke sucked the sugar cube.

Naruto pushed himself up and at Sasuke’s raised brow said “Bathroom.” Sasuke nodded in acknowledgement, and Naruto made getting up a tedious, languorous thing, until Sasuke had turned his back, and he darted off, grabbing one of the fallen notebooks and taking it with him.

On his hands and knees on the bathroom floor, tears falling fat and uncontrollable, with a dull note-taking pencil in hand, he scribbled a message to Naruto.

***

Case Number: NAMIKAZE04-1989-07

Hire Date: November 14, 1989

Date Filed: November 28, 1989

I checked out the black Acura Legend Coupe in the impound lot. It is registered to Obito Uchiha, deceased. The year of the car is 1989, which means it was released two (2) years after Uchiha’s death. I questioned Narcotics Detective Fugaku Uchiha, and he was a helpful witness in addition to being related to the deceased. Our conversation is recorded in the included cassette tapes (see attached transcript), and can be paraphrased: a ring of drug traffickers has been using the identities of deceased individuals, likely easily accessed in public forums, to create documents and make large purchases. Detectives are currently investigating the traffickers.

I went to city hall to learn the details of Obito Uchiha’s death, only to discover that there was little information available.

I will next investigate various employees of city hall, to ascertain who may be tampering with the records.

_Naruto,_

_This is the only case file in this notebook._

_Sasuke is definitely on something. I saw him take it.  
_

_But . . .  
_

_I’m so, so sorry. I don’t know why something that is supposed to make people feel closer together has made realize how far away I really am from Sasuke. I don’t know . . . maybe I wasn’t ready for something like that, and I think I only did it because I wanted him to focus on only me for a second, but I know, I know he thought of nothing and no one but himself._

_Naruto, Sasuke and I, we . . ._

***

_Tuesday, January 17, 2012_

Naruto had about four hours to kill before needing to head off to class, so he stopped at home.

Sasuke was lying on the couch, getting weepy-eyed at _Breakfast at Tiffany’s_ , and Naruto was going to keep his new knowledge secret, for a little longer, even if the bile in his throat was burning a hole. The sex, the drugs . .  . if Sasuke was going to withhold these things from Naruto and he had to rely on Uzumaki on the sly, then so be it; it might be the only way to truly help Sasuke, who didn’t seem to want to be helped at all. He was used to having to tiptoe around the fucker, because Sasuke took everything darkly and seriously. “Another one?” he said, meaning classic movies and Audrey Hepburn, “Nice to see big sister Itachi rubbed off on you.”

“Shut up, idiot, and come here. This is my favorite movie.”

Naruto dropped down beside him and laughed his ass off. Sasuke’s favorite movie was _Breakfast at Tiffany’s_? _Sasuke’s_ favorite movie was _Breakfast at Tiffany’s_? _Sasuke’s favorite movie was Breakfast at Tiffany’s_!

“You should watch it.” Sasuke said, with a snarl like this was serious business. “Ignore the outdated and offensive bits.”

“All hipsters have, like, this obsession with Audrey Hepburn. That, and indies bands.”

“Naruto, quiet. Anyone can hang up a Warhol print and think they’re a genius. I like my movies and music because, through all the shit there is out there, I found the few gems. It’s like I’m gold panning in a river of shit just to find things that speak to me. It takes effort.” _To be as cool as me,_ Naruto helpfully finished the sentiment in his head.

Naruto then rolled his eyes, but watched a movie about a lonely, sick person trying to find happiness with high class distraction, and Naruto got it, and didn’t even make fun of when Sasuke moved his lips to the lyrics of “Moon River.”

He would figure something out, about their situation, but he needed help.

***

_Saturday, January 21, 2012_

_Hey beautiful,_

_How is it that after all this, you still don’t ask the right fucking questions? All you do is whine like a little bitch, like,_ tell me things, Sasuke! _or sit in sorrow and lament your lack of understanding. You haven’t looked up anything. You haven’t learned a thing. You’re a waste of a fucking body, and seriously, I’m going to take over completely someday so the world doesn’t have to suffer you living._

***

“You seem down lately.” Sakura noted.

Naruto stopped wiping the counter, and pushed his face into the newly wet surface. “Sakura, why are you so awesome? You catch on to everything.”

She giggled and came up behind him, rubbing his back. “It’s about Sasuke, right? Can you tell me about it?”

“I don’t know yet.” Naruto groaned.

She was quiet for a moment, then said, “How about a reenactment?”

“What?”

“They’re plastic bottles, they won’t break!” Sakura indicated the cardboard box of syrup bottles they were to take out to recycling after they were done with closing procedures.

“Reenact what movie?” he asked.

“ _Coyote Ugly_ , of course,” Sakura spun a bottle in her hand and it was pretty impressive. “Okay, so I know this is stupid, and I never even really liked that movie, but it really made me want to be able to do the cool tricks with bottles they do.”

Naruto laughed.

“Stay bright, okay?” Sakura plugged her iPod into the café’s speaker, and after a second, Def Leppard was playing, and she was on the counter, on her feet, reaching a hand out to him. She beamed. She looked like her namesake: something that bloomed.

He took her hand. “Okay.”

**\----**

Chapter Tracklist:

 **Of Monsters and Men** \- Love Love Love  
 **DJ Snake featuring Alesia** \- Bird Machine  
 **Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell** \- Ain't No Mountain High Enough  
 **NICO Touches the Walls** \- Diver  
 **Babyshambles** \- Fuck Forever  
 **Audrey Hepburn** \- Moon River  
 **The Shins** – Simple Song  
 **Skrillex featuring Krewella** – Breathe  
 **Def Leppard** \- Pour Some Sugar on Me


	6. The Hydra That Loved Itself (Part One)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are, or anyone you know is, considering suicide, please get immediate help. Please call a suicide prevention hotline or go to a hospital. No one needs to suffer alone.
> 
> \--
> 
> Chapter art by [musei](http://archiveofourown.org/users/musei/).

 

 

**The Hydra That Loved Itself (Part One)**

_“Okay, so just try to relax,” Naruto cooed, “I know it’s hard, but try not to think of anything stressful.” He wanted to espouse the advice he had heard from his own therapist—clear your mind completely—but he knew that was crap. Whether or not Gaara wanted, thoughts would revolve in his mind, unbidden and at best nonsensical, at worst detrimental._

_Gaara nodded, eyes closed, and pressed himself into Naruto’s collarbone. Naruto squeezed him as tight as he could, until his arms were shaking, and then kept his arm over Gaara’s back._

_Gaara barely ever slept. The redhead was on pills, which he admitted did make him tired, but it wasn’t enough. He shuddered and held fast to Naruto’s t-shirt._

_Even though Naruto was hyperactive as fuck, he kept himself chill, scarcely moving, trying to lull Gaara to sleep. An hour passed. Surely Gaara was still awake, but in the throes of daydream, a trance which Naruto was loathe to break._

_They were going to fix each other._

***

_Thursday, October 23, 2008_

Naruto sat across from Gaara on Gaara’s dorm bed. It was standard sized, quite small, and while Naruto would have preferred they spent more nights at his own house, in his own, larger bed, he had slept enough in Gaara’s to find it comfortable. Gaara’s side was closest to the door and Naruto’s against the wall. They melded with one another in the center. He liked that.

They kissed.

“Are you scared?” Naruto asked after. They’d be working their way up to this for a while.

“Not really,” Gaara admitted. “Uh . . . thanks for doing this my way.”

Naruto smiled at him. “Of course! Besides, like, I’m just as new to this as you, you know? And sex is sex, no need for all the power play bullshit, right?”

“Ah.”

“Well, I mean,” Naruto scratched the scars on his cheeks, “I’m pretty excited, so.”

Gaara looked down, face pink. “Me too,” he whispered.

There are always sad and annoying people who want to judge things of which they aren’t a part. Which meant that even if people accepted the fact that Naruto was dating another guy, they had to ask retarded questions—who tops? Who is the ‘girl?’ Naruto thought these questions were the side-effect of having no hobbies. See, he had many things that interested him, goals, too, and friends and a boyfriend. Never, not even once, did he look at any of his classmates or, well, anyone, for that matter, and wonder what their sex life was, or some such similar personal things. Why did people see fit to ask about his sexual preferences, his religion, his voting choices?

People really were sad.

Naruto knew; he was sad in a different way.

Regardless, not only did these sort of things not need to be known by people, not everything was so simply answered. Gaara’s past meant that sex was a scary thing, and Naruto loved him, wanted to be supportive, didn’t need to establish some shitty status quo with roles wherein no one wavered. This meant that he didn’t stake his pride on who penetrated the other with their fucking dick, for fucking real.

So he lay on his back. Stopped worrying.

Gaara was always warm.

***

_Monday, January 23, 2012_

Sasuke, who wasn’t due to begin his shift for another two hours, sat at a small table nearby. His huge headphones were plugged into his laptop, and a green light flickered from his Wi-Fi card. Naruto came to him, elated at him using the gift, and set down Sasuke’s latte; Naruto had personally crafted the snake design on the drink’s surface.

“For you,” Naruto said. He had not forgotten Sasuke’s assessment that he made the worst lattes in the joint. He would prove that wrong. He didn’t hear music from Sasuke’s headphones, so he assumed they were on to signal “don’t talk to me” to strangers (and to Naruto, probably).

Sasuke looked up at him, perhaps to say thanks, Naruto hoped, before his eyes shot towards the café’s door. He glared at the person who entered. Naruto squinted at him, then turned.

“Gaara!” Naruto said in surprise. The young man in question came up to the counter and smiled something small. He was as reserved and taciturn as always, so patiently waited for Naruto to approach him. Naruto went back to his station to talk to him properly, smiling so hard his cheeks hurt.

“Naruto.” Gaara said.

“What are you doing here?” Naruto asked excitedly. “How have you been? What’s happening?" If he was going to keep seeing people who made his heart burst with joy, Naruto was never going to leave work. Home was particularly depressing presently.

“I’m fine. I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Really? What is it?” Naruto rocked on his heels.

“Temari and Shikamaru are having a baby,” Gaara said in a rushed breath, and something like joy flickered across his face. Naruto beamed at him and leaned over the counter to squeeze Gaara in a congratulatory hug.

“That’s wonderful!” It wasn’t long ago that the two of them, Naruto and Gaara, were sitting side by side and watching Temari and Shikamaru exchange vows. Shikamaru had went around mumbling about the tediousness of the engagement and planning, but on the big day couldn’t conceal his happiness. Naruto had touched Gaara’s hand with his pinkie, and the redhead glanced at him, lips parted, face wearing an expression Naruto had never seen.

Naruto pulled away from Gaara at the scrape of a chair against the tiles. He glanced at Sasuke, who had stood up and was leveling Naruto with intense eyes. He left all his belongings where they were, but pushed past the little swinging doors at the counter and headed into the break room.

“Was that Sasuke?” Gaara asked.

“Uh, yeah,” Naruto said, scratching the back of his head, a pit of worry forming in his stomach that warred with his anger and attempts at reconciliation. “He came back to work here a little while ago.”

Gaara nodded. “Are you two . . .?” He didn’t finish the question, but Naruto understood what was unspoken. He would have marveled if anyone else was so keen, but Gaara was especially brilliant, so it didn’t floor Naruto any.

“Uh,” Naruto tensed his hands. “I think . . . I mean, like, a little bit.”

“I see. Lucky him.”

Naruto tensed harder and looked around, wildly, widening his eyes until they hurt, looking higher, higher, so he could suppress the silly reaction his body wanted to make.

“I-I’m . . .”

“I’ll see you around, okay?” Gaara said, and offered a strange little smile.

“Wait,” Naruto scrubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. “I really want to talk to you about something, too,” he confessed, “There’s no one I trust more, so.”

“Okay.” Gaara pulled out his wallet by the chain hooked to his black skinny jeans. “I guess I should order something then.”

Naruto laughed and was relieved by Gaara’s unconditional and unquestioning acceptance, “Same as usual? Still don’t like coffee much, right?”

Gaara bit his bottom lip, and gave him a wry smirk.

***

Naruto weaved his way through the tables, hugging his backpack to his chest, until he spied Gaara sitting at a table that faced the window. The snow was packed hard and it was soulless, endless.

Gaara looked up with a soft smile in acknowledgement as Naruto pulled a nearby chair across the floor and sat himself down next to his ex.

Gaara cupped his hands around his tea, but said nothing. His eyes were warm when Naruto finally met them. It really had been too long since they'd been around each other, without their mutual friends as a buffer, a safety net.

"Um . . . it is really okay to talk about . . . I mean, Sasuke . . . ?" Naruto asked, guilty as all fuck. Why did he think it was a good idea to ask his ex-boyfriend about his new . . . Sasuke-friend. God, what the fuck were they to each other? Whatever, it was rude and heartless to involve Gaara, for sure.

"Yes," said Gaara. Of course. Fucking Gaara, he was way, way too good to Naruto.

“Okay, so, well. Sasuke’s got this secret . . .”

***

_“I’m the one broken thing you can’t fix.”_

***

_On Thursday, December 15, 2011. . ._

_Itachi Uchiha, aged 28, has died suddenly in his home. Itachi was an esteemed police officer, following a tradition of service in his family. His wisdom and passion touched everyone he met, and he was always there to support his friends and loved ones. He enjoyed classic movies, learning about the human mind and the world around him, coffee, music, and reading. He will always be remembered for bringing joy into the lives of those around him. He was preceded in death by his parents and is survived by his younger brother._

_In lieu of flowers, please send donations to the suicide prevention foundation of your preference._

It was small. It was vague. It was obviously not written by Sasuke. Still, reading Itachi’s obituary had a profound impact on Naruto, who, for not knowing Itachi that well, was overcome with such longing and grief his heart ached dully in his chest. He bit his lip, and fat tears rolled down his cheeks.

Gaara widened his eyes. “Naruto, are you really all right?” He put his hand on Naruto’s collarbone and rubbed. It was reminiscent of when they were dating; physical comfort worked best for both of them, but was still awkward and foreign to either.

Naruto shook his head and leaned into Gaara’s warmth. For the first time, it had finally hit him that Sasuke must have been suffering, filled with so much anguish, and Naruto knew what that felt like, and tried for years to ignore his own deep loneliness, but never could, and his sorrow was distributed unequally to his different facets, leaving them, and him, warped and teetering between perfectly okay and barely breathing.

“I don’t know, I don’t even know how this happened, how the fuck I ended up . . . I mean, like, you’re the last person that has to comfort or help me, after all the shit I did to you . . .”

“Naruto,” Gaara said, “Stop. I’m your friend, even still.” _Get it together, get it together_. Gaara put his iPad away in his messenger bag. He stared out at the black birds fighting over litter in the parking lot, unfazed by people walking by, loudly, in North Face jackets. Finally, he announced, “I want to help you. You’re out of your element.” So, so true. Why didn’t Naruto even fucking use google?

Naruto’s tears fell freely, but, as he was in public and at his place of work, and near Sasuke even, he stifled his mess by quickly covering his face with a napkin.

***

In the mood to walk, Naruto left his SUV in Konoha Brews’ parking lot, tightening his boots and crunching snow underfoot.

Sunlight was startling intense under the roaming gray clouds. Sometimes a great gust of wind shook tree branches and street signs, the air tinted with the smell of pine and car exhaust. The snow was as gray as the clouds, like always, ruined by footfalls and traffic, and Naruto was happy for the traction of his boots.

From the café, Naruto estimated a half hour he would have to walk. It was an easy route, regardless, up the street, cross once to the right, then keep at it. He pressed the button at the intersection with a gloved hand, and then made his way brainlessly, migratory towards the perfectly square, two-story house on an icy hill.

He was pleased to see a sedan in the driveway, even though it was barely past three in the afternoon. With that thought, he registered that it would become dark soon. Maybe he could get a ride back to his car after his visit?

He dragged his feet on the welcome mat, after stomping out clumps of packed snow, and knocked on the glass window of the door.

After a heartbeat, he was greeted by a blast of warmth from within, and Iruka, leaning in the doorway with a subdued smile, said “Long time, no see. You look good, Naruto.”

“Thanks. How are the kids?” Naruto asked. Iruka was a kindergarten teacher.

“Good, good,” he said, he indicated to the dining room table inside, which was covered in stacks of colorful construction paper, confetti, Crayola markers, and glue sticks. “We’re going to make story books. I just got the materials today.” He looked back at Naruto, making something similar to a duckface, and invited Naruto with a wave of his arm. “Well, come in then.”

Naruto took off his boots in the entryway, and then padded in his thick socks towards the school supplies. He sat at them, and uncapped a red marker, drawing a tiny snake, parallel to his latte design, on the corner of a sheet of yellow paper.

“Hey, don’t waste that stuff,” Iruka scolded, but he took out two yellow sheets and set them in front of Naruto after he pushed aside the other things. Naruto started drawing a little dolphin.

“Iruka, uh . . . can I have something to drink?”

“I don’t know,” Iruka said, an annoying teacher definitely, “Can you?”

Naruto groaned and stood up, heading towards the kitchen, which was just slightly to the left of the table anyways. “Shall I get you anything while I’m here?”

“Tea, please.” Iruka said, grinning widely. Naruto grimaced and lifted the electric pitcher off the base, filling it with water from the tap before resetting it and turning it on. It would boil in a matter of seconds. While it was working, he opened up the cupboards, pulling down cups and tea bags.

“How have you been lately?” He asked Iruka. Iruka had seated himself at Naruto’s doodles and was absentmindedly scribbling something himself.

“I’ve been well. Busy as usual. Haven’t heard from you in a while. What do you need?” Naruto blushed guilty, and prepared the tea. Plain for Iruka, milk for himself. When it was all set, he came towards the other man and offered out a saucer. Iruka took it with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m sorry,” Naruto said, slinking into the chair next to Iruka’s, and putting his elbows up. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be distant and selfish when I don’t need something, I just can’t even help it,” he peered into his tea, “No matter what happens to me, I’m always out of it, like my brain doesn’t even register things like keeping in contact or what people are going through, and, ugh. I am really sorry, Iruka.” True. He did this to everyone, to Gaara, too, like Naruto couldn’t help but be obsessed with things and insensitive to others.

“Are you in trouble?” Iruka asked. And Naruto figured that was a reasonable inquiry, since he had been giving Iruka grief for damn near a decade.

“No, I mean, not like before.” He flapped his arm around in gesture, “It’s different. I’m . . .” He chewed his lip in thought and tried not to meet the concerned eyes of his foster parent. “It’s Sasuke.”

“You’re talking to Sasuke again? I thought he moved out of state.”

“No, just away. But, uh, but he’s back now, and he works with me again.”

Iruka sipped his tea and nodded, _continue, continue_ , and Naruto took inspiration from him and sipped, too, before going on.

“I can trust you, right?”

Iruka snorted into his cup. “You have to ask that?”

“Okay,” Naruto sighed, feeling very stupid and suddenly quite tired. Going up to his old bedroom and taking a nap seemed wonderful. “Sasuke’s older brother died.”

“Itachi, was it? I saw it in the paper. My condolences to Sasuke. It’s a terrible loss.”

“Right, well,” Naruto said, glancing at Iruka’s scribble. A jagged-edged fishcake with a swirl in the middle of it. He smiled a little, before frowning again, “Sasuke doesn’t think it was suicide, like the obituary implies. He thinks Itachi was murdered, and like, he’s really convinced, you know?”

“Wow,” Iruka said, “That is some assumption. Does he have any proof?”

“Not that I know of, but, well, he does seem to think that it’s related to . . .”

Iruka set the cup down and said, “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

After that, there was a wide stretch of silence until Naruto said:

“I want my mom’s files.” He hoped desperately that Iruka would know what he meant. He was surprised at the response he received.

“I was wondering when you’d ask about them.”

***

Naruto gunned it to the bank. Iruka had dropped him off at his car as requested, and Naruto flew. He needed his car in order to hit the sucka before it closed—a small, golden safe deposit box key ripping his palm open.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to just take you to the bank myself?” Iruka had asked.

Naruto was almost hyperventilating when he told Iruka, “No! Not at all!” Then he seemed to think his yelling was rude, a little manic. He said, calmer, “Please just take me to my car.”

Iruka had nodded.

As Naruto cut off some poor asshole on the road (he got the finger and a honk), he squeezed the key between his hand and the steering wheel, not willing to let go of it for any reason.

He made it in time, about 17 minutes to spare.

***

_Sunday, November 19, 2006_

Iruka held on to Naruto’s shoulder when Kakashi’s phone vibrated. “Ah, excuse me,” he said, shifting a folder from one hand to the other and texting a reply. His phone had a full color display and a camera, and the screen slid up with a flick of his thumb. Naruto had no idea what kind of phone did that, but it looked pretty sweet. “Take care of him, okay? I’ve got to go.” Kakashi said to Iruka. Naruto was still floored by this new technology, like, Kakashi’s phone was so slim! So weird and cool and he would probably never be able to afford one like that ever, holy shit.  
   
“Go where?” Naruto frowned. Not like Kakashi would’ve stayed, but . . .  
   
“I’m late for my date!”  
   
“What the fuck?” Naruto asked before he could stop himself, “A date?” Although Naruto no longer blushed when he cursed, Iruka often got up him and screamed when he did, so he avoided it in his guardian’s presence. But he couldn’t even help it that time!

Iruka gave Naruto a scolding look and squeezed Naruto’s shoulder harshly.

“Mmm.” Kakashi nodded and handed Iruka the file he held. “Even married people have to go on dates sometimes. Keeps things interesting.”

“Married?” Naruto asked lamely. Officer Kakashi wore no rings and never talked about a wife, and wait, what? What? “How, how long have you been married?”

“Hm, five, maybe six years now.”

“What? You’re barely past thirty.” He had known Kakashi for five years, and had never heard any of this. Well, not like they were BFF; it would’ve been nice to have known or been invited to the wedding or whatever though. He was stung, albeit mostly superficially. For real, like, Naruto couldn’t reasonably whine, especially if Kakashi was married the year before the two of them had met . . . but still!

“That’s true. Okay, well, it was nice seeing you.”

“Take care,” Iruka said primly, and steered Naruto inside.

Naruto would be in so much trouble, Naruto realized. He wanted to tell Iruka, "I'm the other one," but it would be futile. Instead he bit his lip and awaited punishment, like a good kid.

***

“I just can’t handle it anymore.” Gaara had said.

“Do you know that I’ll love you forever?” Gaara had said.

“I won’t press charges,” Gaara had said, from the hospital bed, via a piece of paper and a pen forever without a cap. With wires, a broken jaw, Gaara didn’t speak with his voice for a while. Even in written word, he was as reserved and taciturn as always.

***

_Thursday, January 14, 1988_

I awoke to the cries of forest birds, reveling in the morning, and, after checking our camp, shook my companions awake as well. They were languid and slow, but did not complain as they set about work. Such is the way with children bought for a purpose. Madara did not keep around the mediocre. They placed the sleeping bags in a pile near my tent, and made quick with deconstructing their own. The sky was pearl white, and the breeze surrounded us with the smell of pine.

Everything was moving, waking up, and Death, the more energetic of the two kids, alight with refreshed enthusiasm, offered to go to the river to check our traps. He wiped sweat off his brow with one bandaged arm, and affixed his knife to his belt. I sent him into the fray with precautionary warnings, worried little for his actual safety—he seemed smart in the ways of survival, clothes covered in the flaking blood of hunted animals—and while he was off and about, I spoke to the quieter Lyra, and told him that the time for rest was over, he needed to tell me details.

He sat on the pile of our sleeping bags, and said, “I’m the best killer Madara’s ever had. This was my chance to be free, though, and I understand that there is probably some dark reason why that opportunity’d be offered to me, but I craved it so much after everything I had cared about was taken from me.”

I nodded. Madara’s soldiers were the best. This one didn’t seem as disposable as the others, and value was value, so I, too, wondered about any secret purpose letting him go would serve.

He spoke again, but not on topic, “The story you told me last night,” he said ‘me’ like it was specifically for him, and not said to them both, “Inspired a change within me.”

My eyes widened.

He shook his head, “Not a change, maybe, maybe what I mean is that I noticed something, and I have no idea if it was always a part of me, but now I know it’s there, I’m not afraid anymore.”

It was such an honest, open moment that I had no mind to tease him. He didn’t seem the type to say things that intimate to anyone, so I felt strangely humbled. The forest was quivering with life. The river wasn’t far, and the twittering and rustling wasn’t suspicious, just teeming.

I asked, “Is there someone you love, Lyra?” What a constellation to be codenamed after. Did head and lyre still conspire to make sad songs down the river? Did Lyra look back, one last, worried time, only to have his beloved vanish forever? All I saw was a killer that seemed so small.

He was shaking, like usual, but not from chill. He said, “Yes.”

“Did Madara know?” I asked, trying to get back on track, but it is not in the spirit of teenagers to talk of anything other than what is blazing on their minds.

“I don’t think so,” he said, “I didn’t even know. But I _want_ ,” he sighed, “I’ve never wanted anything before.”

“Are you in love with Death, Lyra?” And I knew the answer from his stare, alight and in focus, an adult look he had never worn before. I would always know the heavy weight of love in my own heart, so I would not, and could not, force Madara as the topic.

And as I had seemingly sparked to life a calm understanding of his nature, he, too, made me realize something I think I had always known, but had yet to notice. It was all very sweet, in the only way it could be in our situation and dull peril, so I set him off to find Death at the river, _don’t startle him_ , and allowed myself a private moment to think of my wife, and how to tell her, once I was out of this forest, I was ready to be a father and that I wanted our children to never be as broken as Lyra and Death, how I wanted them to be free of that sort of suffering, and how maybe it was time to be new people, make a new world, start a revolution!

I miss her so much because I know she’d make fun of my optimistic attitude and naiveté, but she would beamingly stay by my side, my fiercest champion.

***

“Why does it always gotta be you?” Naruto whined.

“Because I’m the one assigned to your case,” Officer Kakashi said. “Would you prefer a different officer?”

“No.”

“It’s not like I enjoy arresting your stupid ass, Naruto,” Officer Kakashi smiled, but his mouth was covered by an orange scarf, “But until you clean up your act, it’s gonna be me.”

Naruto groaned noisily and shook in the backseat of the police car. “I hate this! I hate this. Not again, not fucking again!”

“Now, now, relax Naruto.”

“No!” Naruto slammed against the thick metal divider separating the two of them, “No, no, no!”

Kakashi sighed and pulled over.

***

_“You awake?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Gaara?”_

_“Yes?”_

_“I love you.”_

_“I love you, too.”_

***

“Dissociative Identity Disorder is a controversial diagnosis,” Kakashi said, sitting beside Sakura and Sasuke. The two of them looked over their cups of hot chocolate at him, “Not everyone believes it’s even real.”

“Dissociate Identity Disorder?” Sakura asked, pushing her long blonde bangs out of her eyes. She usually tried to cover up her forehead. Kakashi tilted his head at her.

“Split personalities,” Sasuke said, “It means Naruto’s crazy.”

Kakashi scrubbed his forehead, briefly moving his hair aside and revealing his eyes. “Not exactly,” he tried. How do you talk psychology with twelve year olds? “There’s so little known about it, but it may stem from trauma as a coping mechanism.”

Sasuke glanced away, and said “I lost my parents, too. It didn’t make me fucking crazy.”

“You shouldn’t say things like that,” Kakashi scolded softly. Sasuke was actually pretty defensive and protective of Naruto when his parents’ murders were mentioned, for obvious reasons. It was a little strange that Sasuke would react with such derision, but kids were strange in general. “He’s your best friend.”

“Whatever,” Sasuke sighed, poking at his new cell phone. “Itachi’s gonna pick me up soon,” he muttered.

“How’s the new place?” Sakura asked.

Sasuke frowned. “It’s fine.” He glanced up at Kakashi. “Tell Naruto ‘hi,’ okay?” He offered a weak smile.

“Will do.” Kakashi said as Sasuke rushed off towards the door to wait outside.

***

_“Kurama, is there a reason why you cut your cheeks like that?”_

_“He couldn’t help her, not even a little. If I can’t kill him, then I’ll make sure he suffers. Why do you cover your face like that?”_

_Kakashi looked away. “Feels better than showing it.”_

_Kurama laughed, voice high. “That answer again, huh? Why’s that, Kakashi? What you got on under there? Your face fucked up?”_

_“A child covered in blood and snot and tears, falling apart in my arms.”_

_Kurama growled. “That wasn’t me. That was Naruto.”_

***

Lyra’s always shaking, frostbitten skeleton.

Lyra says Madara’s got a plan bigger than the world.

Lyra doesn’t say much else, though. When I ask him questions, he’s nothing but succinct, so I decided, in one such fruitless moment, to just be as gentle as possible. He was volatile, and utterances of clear honesty seemed to belong only to that one moment, after the first night together.

“Do you know your real name?” I asked, prodding the kettle above the fire with a stick.

“Yes.”

“Will you tell me it?”

“No.”

“Have you had other code names before?”

“Yes.”

“What were they?” If he could tell me one I’ve heard before, I might be able to place him in some events, I thought.

“You know. This and that.” Of course.

“Right. Lyra it is then. Doesn’t really fit a young man, though, don’t you think?”

Lyra glared at me, and I couldn’t help but chuckle at him.

“Why are you not afraid of us?” He titled his head. “Death’s Tiptop and I are killers. We could murder you with a single touch. Just three days ago Death killed a bear with nothing but his knife and adrenaline coursing through his veins.”

“Death’s a tough kid. No wonder he has such a codename.” I said, remembering the blood splashed everywhere, and Lyra mumbled a reply that sounded like ‘you have no idea.’ “You’re not going to, though,” I continued, “Kill me, I mean. You could have done it yesterday or the day before, if you had wanted to.”

“No. You’re not a target.”

“I don’t think that’ll be the case for long, though.”

“You’re going to keep investigating? You’re an idiot.”

“I’m not alone,” I told him. “I’ve got backup. And if I die, it’ll be protecting people from Madara’s operation.”

“Madara doesn’t go after civilians.”

“I mean people like you.”

Lyra shook his head, and said, sadly, “I can’t be saved.”

I sighed. The water was starting to boil, steam rising into the forest air.

“Why the name ‘Lyra?’” I asked. Could he answer that one, at least?

He cryptically answered, “The brightest star in Lyra is Vega.”

Death slithered from behind a tree and sat at Lyra’s side, staring me down, but talking to his companion. “Are you all right?”

Lyra nodded, and said “I’m cold.”

Death slung an arm around him and held him close, never breaking his gaze with me. His eyes were black and pitiless as his codename.

I smiled at him, and he seemed utterly perplexed at this, a faint redness blossoming on his cheeks. It was a lovely and reassuringly human reaction.

“And people like you.”

***

“You’re okay, you’re okay,” Gaara whispered, stroking Naruto’s hair, “Breathe.”

Naruto tried, but his heart was thudding in his throat. His cheeks were burning. He hated everything and everyone, for real, except Gaara, and all he wanted was to be alone with Gaara, forever and ever. In a house, somewhere, maybe in Gaara’s home state, in the desert. Yes, sunshine and lizards. He hated the snow, too.

Once Naruto’s panic attack had dulled enough, Gaara helped move him, gently, to the couch. Naruto looked at the lockers lining the walls and the jackets and purses in heaps on the table. They were in the break room. They were also alone; there was no sign of Sasuke.

“Should I call Tsunade?” Gaara asked, after a quiet moment. Naruto said nothing, and Gaara made no motion for his phone. He squeezed Naruto’s ankles on his lap.

Naruto didn’t want to be this fucking wreck. Gaara shouldn’t have to put up with his shit, for fucking real. Naruto couldn’t remember when he said and did awful things, always blacking out. He was abusive, he was a fucking monster. He didn’t deserve to be helped by Gaara. No, it wasn’t even help, it was support. It was everything.

***

Naruto had spread out the giant stack of papers on his bed, locking the door so Sasuke wouldn’t walk in if he came home. He was completely lost. Was his dad in the woods with some teenagers? Soldiers? One with a homosexual crush? He could have laughed, it was so surreal. But what? What the fuck? What? What? How could Naruto even breathe? Right before him was some momentous clues, clues to himself and to Itachi, if Sasuke was right, and Naruto wanted to both read everything as fast as possible and throw everything into a fire and run very far away. He was no coward though, and would never give up on Sasuke.

He flipped through the stack absentmindedly. There were diary entries, loads of them. There were case files. There were business cards and manila folders with dossiers lined with sticky notes. Nothing stood out as particularly significant—it all seemed pertinent. Naruto unfolded a pink sheet:

 **ANBU**  
c/o Yamato  
7 Inkwell, Hidden Village Accounting, please come immediately, your husband’s files are compromised; _Lyra in the forest._

***

Naruto knew that he and Gaara were happiest when they were together. But they weren’t together. They never would be. Naruto’s fault. It wasn’t anything as base as ‘what if I tried harder?’ or ‘I just wasn’t the one.’ That was nonsense.

It was as easy as this: they loved each other so, so much. They loved each other and probably always would. But they both were sick. Gaara, inspired by Naruto, sought help, and started to get better. Naruto, stubborn and fucking weak, saw a therapist, took some light meds, but really, he didn’t even try. Naruto liked having more than one personality. He liked the strength of Kurama, the ability to hide his childhood suffering by keeping it stowed away in Uzumaki instead. Naruto was violent. Naruto was selfish. Naruto blacked out and really, Gaara couldn’t be expected to be docile, sit back and take it out a misconception that love was inherently suffering.

So when Naruto handed his father’s files over, he knew he was the most blessed motherfucker out there.

Gaara’s eyes were green fire. He slid the papers into the office box in the back of his car.

“You’re not alone.”

“Thanks, Gaara . . .”

Gaara shut the door and went around to the driver’s door. Once he started the car, he gave a small wave.

They had dated for three years.

Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke . . .

_I think . . . maybe, maybe you’re the only thing I could ever fix._

***

Why wasn’t Uzumaki, or even Kurama, writing?

***

Gaara was dripping, his thighs wet with come. Naruto kissed the tattoos on Gaara's wrists.

“It’s really messy,” Gaara commented.

Naruto laughed. “Do you think you’ll be able to sleep tonight?”

Gaara hummed, and shrugged. “Maybe.”

\----

Chapter Tracklist:

 **La Roux** – Quicksand  
 **Monsters and Men** – Little Talks  
 **Knife Party** – Centipede

**End of Part One; Part Two next.**


	7. The Hydra That Loved Itself (Part Two)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh, hello. No matter how long it takes, I promise to finish this guy. This is my last semester of uni and I'm trying my best to ensure I graduate, ahhh. It's been the roughest, strangest years of my life, and with uni on top of that, this story got back burner'd hardcore.
> 
> Chapter information:
> 
>  **Explicit Content Warnings:** Sex. M/M  & M/F; Agalmatophilia
> 
> Also, as mentioned before: If you are, or anyone you know is, considering suicide, please get immediate help. Please call a suicide prevention hotline or go to a hospital. No one needs to suffer alone.
> 
> This is very important! Reach out.

  


**Chapter 7** —The Hydra That Loved Itself (Part Two) 

_Friday, December 15, 2006_

They laid close to each other, panting. Naruto’s face was covered in red. 

“How do you still have so much strength left?” Gaara whispered. Naruto was on his stomach, using a single leg to slowly push closer, dragging his body towards Gaara. He was about a foot away before he stilled. 

“The kind of loneliness you feel . . . it’s out of this world, right? I know because I’ve felt it too.” 

Gaara shut his eyes. Flashes of Naruto screaming, vicious. My name is Kurama and I will kill you, my name is Uzumaki and I feel all your suffering. A punch in the face hard enough to crack him open, a slamming of foreheads that left them coated in each other’s blood. 

“You don’t understand,” Gaara said. _You’re a monster. Stay away from me. Don’t talk to him, oh my God, that kid is psycho._ Gaara _liked_ to be alone. 

Naruto laughed, and closed his eyes from the resulting pain. He scuffed his sneaker into the dirt and brown snow. “I’ll tell you a secret.” He was smiling. 

Gaara blinked at him, then back up at the clouded sun until his eyes watered. 

“I’ve got a monster living inside of me, too. The only thing that keeps me sane, keeps me happy . . . are my friends.” 

Gaara scratched at the ground until his nails were packed and black, his fingers alight from frost. “Friends?” 

“I’m not just Naruto,” was the reply. “There are so many people inside of me. If it weren’t for the people I love, outside of me . . .” 

“What type of monster are you?” Gaara shivered. 

No one loved you, no one _loves_ you. You have to love yourself. 

_I don’t want to be with anyone, around anyone._

_You’re a demon._

“It’s called Dissociative Identity Disorder. You?” 

_That’s the kid whose mother was stabbed to death a few years back._

“Schizotypal Personality Disorder . . .” 

“You know, just having people to care about makes all of this hell worthwhile.” 

“Caring . . . about others . . .” 

“Naruto, that’s enough.” A voice from above them. It was Sasuke. He dropped down on one knee beside his blond friend and helped him up. 

“You’re . . . talking to me?” Naruto smirked, heavy and sleepy in Sasuke’s arms. 

“For today, yeah. Hey, come on, Naruto, stand up. We gotta get outta here or you’re gonna get fucking expelled.” Naruto was still smiling when he passed out. The last thing he was aware of was Sasuke’s grip, and a female voice calling out to Gaara. 

They were limp and weak in the school courtyard. The last bell on the last day before winter break rang out. 

_I saw a thousand of you._

_And I saw the you you almost killed._

*** 

_Tuesday, July 12, 2011_

The sun was rising, a heavy ball from below the horizon, making the sky a hypnotizing red. The air was full of salt and birds. Temari’s thick eyelashes glistened with their mascara coating. Her skin was golden brown, her lips nude, and those eyelashes were so, so dark. 

She wore shorts, tight ones. She wore high-tops. She gazed longingly and lovingly at her youngest brother as he stood under the awning, gazing into the desert. She sat out on the lanai, near the window, at Kankurou’s house. Her feet shook in anxiety underneath the glass table. 

Kankurou was making breakfast. Shikamaru sat at the kitchen table next to Sasori, looking at Temari through the open screen door. Thin, gauzy curtains blew lazily inwards. 

“She still watching him?” Kankurou asked, setting down two plates—one for Shikamaru and one for himself. Sasori didn’t eat and Gaara and Temari had had early tea together. He doubted they were capable of much more regardless. 

Shikamaru nodded and sighed, but then half-grinned at his brother-in-law in appreciation for the meal. “Thanks” he said. 

Kankurou hummed a response, and fussed at Sasori’s hair. “Ah, c’mon, don’t make that face.” He glowed when he spoke, so Shikamaru held back any comments. Sasori, for what it was worth, stared back at Kankurou with unblinking, shiny acrylic eyes. Shikamaru was used to it. His three brothers-in-law were the quiet, mourning Gaara, the eccentric businessman and theater dancer Kankurou, the soft, plastic RealDoll Sasori. 

Shikamaru ate slowly, only a little, eyes on Temari all the while. He felt like an asshole for ignoring Kankurou while they were sitting together, but he couldn’t really help it. One of his best friends growing up, someone he’d cruise to the death with, had broken the heart of his favorite brother. 

This wasn’t something Shikamaru could solve with his brain. He couldn’t close his eyes for a moment and dream of a solution. He couldn’t do shit but watch as his wife watched Gaara. Gaara never slept, barely ate, barely spoke. 

So neither did Temari. 

Nor Shikamaru. 

*** 

_Tuesday, March 20, 2007_

“Gaara, hi!” Naruto said, sliding his arms around the redhead’s shoulder. 

“Hello.” 

Sasuke punched his locker and Naruto looked up at him with a grimace. Sasuke rushed off before he could be confronted though. Naruto raised an eyebrow. Maybe Sasuke hated that Naruto and Gaara had become friends? He seemed super jelly, but like, he always made fun of Naruto’s relationship with Sakura and was an asshole in general, so nope. Naruto wasn’t gonna deal with it. Like, it was Sasuke’s fault they weren’t really friends anymore anyways. Sasuke was ridiculously evasive and he only was nice to Naruto, like, every other month. Otherwise, he was an agitated fuckface. 

“Sasuke’s going through some rough shit, I guess,” he sorta-lied, because he didn’t really know, because Sasuke never told him anything anymore. He then smiled back at his friend. “So, you wanna get those French toast sticks for lunch?” 

“I think they only serve those for breakfast.” 

Naruto pouted. He was loathe to utilize the salad bar after the fees went up. And, like, their high school had nothing but that and plastic cheeseburgers and not!Taco Bell. None of the food from those stands was worth lining up for. 

“What are you two making those faces for?” Sakura grinned, approaching them from the direction of her own locker. She held a stack of plastic lunchboxes. “Where’s Sasuke? I have one for him, too.” And sure enough, she held four boxes. 

“Uh,” Naruto said, biting his lip. “He’s pulling the whole don’t-talk-to-me-I’m-better-than-you shtick, so.” Besides, Naruto didn’t want to eat with Sasuke. He wanted to be with his girlfriend, keeping her from relapsing and deciding she _just couldn’t live without Sasuke_! Sheesh! He wanted to be with friend Gaara, too. Yeah! This was his new crew, fuck Sasuke! “I’ll eat the extras, Sakura, you know I will.” 

“Oh, okay,” Sakura sighed. “I wish he didn’t do that. Right, well, how about the three of us go outside?” It was nippy still, but the worst of winter was dead. 

“Yeah!” Naruto shouted and pulled Gaara along. Gaara kept his eyes down, but his teeny tiny smile made Naruto grin. He had a great fucking life, even without Sasuke. 

*** 

_4\. You say I’m a nuisance but as soon as I encounter any problems, you are there, by my side, helping me through it all._

*** 

_Thursday, January 26, 2012_

By the time Sasuke came home from school and work, Naruto was already lying down. He was awake, but said nothing when Sasuke shed his clothes, pulled on a tight t-shirt to accompany his boxers as pajamas, and slinked under the covers beside him. They’d both been so busy that even though he saw Sasuke daily, they had barely interacted at all that week. 

The window was open a crack, letting in the winter air. The bite, in a larger dosage, would have been unbearable. As it was, it was refreshing and would help Naruto sleep better. Calm and quiet . . . Naruto was so cold and half-asleep when Sasuke brushed icy fingers over his forearm, underneath the comforter. 

“Naruto?” 

“Hmm?” 

“ _Naruto_.” Sasuke sobbed out; immediately Naruto was alert, wide awake. 

He jolted upright. “What’s wrong?” 

Sasuke looked towards the headboard, probably so he didn’t have to make eye contact. “I . . . it’s really hard for me to admit when I . . . that I’m so fucked up and need . . . fuck, like, _Naruto_ . . .” 

Oh Sasuke. 

Naruto caressed Sasuke’s cheek. Even with the winter air, Sasuke was especially freezing. Cold-blooded, for real. 

“I can’t say it, _I can’t even talk to you Naruto_ , I can’t even—” Sasuke breathed, his voice watery. 

Naruto rushed into hugging Sasuke and pulled him tightly into his arms. “Then don’t,” he said, overwhelmed, into Sasuke’s stiff hair. “Don’t say anything, Sasuke.” He felt Sasuke’s frosty nose pressing into his neck. “We don’t need to talk to communicate with each other.” 

So Sasuke nodded and hugged back. 

Naruto didn’t loosen his grip, trying to warm Sasuke up with his own body heat. In fact, Naruto noticed, it had become warmer in general, and the muted sound, the hush, let him know it was snowing anew. Tomorrow his car would be coated in inches of powdery, soft glitter. After he swiped it off with his gloves, he’d need to take a scraper to his windshield. He had to be up and headed for work before the sun rose. Since he had night classes, his whole life was literally in the dark. That, coupled with Sasuke’s mystery, meant that his entire life seemed devoid of brightness. 

What had Sasuke been through this week to suddenly open up to Naruto and show him an instance of vulnerability? Naruto himself felt that the last three days or so were tiring and momentous—what had Sasuke done when they were apart? Presently, it almost seemed like a joke that the two of them, no matter how much they _did_ collaborate, which was not much, would be able to solve anything. He wanted to ignore it all and wake up and realize it was all a dream. Sasuke was his and happy and they pissed each other off because they were idiot boys, not because their lives were duplicitous and full of secrets. 

But this was the Sasuke he had to deal with, the one he cared about. This Sasuke, who snuck around and lied and manipulated Naruto, took advantage of him, took drugs. Saw Itachi sitting atop Naruto’s chair, atop the pile of laundry, clothes tossed there after crappy shifts or crappy classes. Saw Itachi’s eyes, red eyes, shine with more brilliance than the nightlight, the clock light, the twinkling phone charger light. 

Naruto started dozing off again, daydreams spinning into nonsense. He was at work, making a drink, Gaara was at the counter smiling. Sakura delivered things to customers via roller-skates, Hinata was riding around on her cousin Neji’s back, and Neji was dressed like a dog. Haha, Naruto had the greatest job ever. He set the paper coffee cup down, took Gaara’s hand, and climbed out of a hospital bed as Gaara sweetly scolded “Dr. Uzumaki, you shouldn’t be sleeping on the job” and Sakura chirped “If I could write you a song to make you fall in love, I would already have you up under my arm . . .” 

Sasuke was in another room, in another hospital bed, tubes coming from both arms. He wore a paper crown and he was a prince and Naruto took his hand, kissed it, said “I love you.” 

“What?” 

“Hmm?” 

“What did you just say, Naruto?” 

Naruto wiggled slightly, and readjusted his grip on Sasuke. “I think I was asleep. Sorry . . .” 

“Uh huh.” 

Naruto yawned and rubbed Sasuke’s head. “Go to sleep, too, Sasuke.” 

“You said ‘I love you.’” 

Oh man, had he said it out loud? He was so out of it that everything seemed dreamlike. Oh well. 

“Probably because I do.” 

Sasuke gasped. “Wh-what?” 

Naruto groaned at him. Oh my God, did they really have to wake up so Sasuke could hear this? Didn’t he already know? Ugh. “I love you, Sasuke Uchiha.” 

“Don’t get pissy at me, you moron.” 

“Oh my God, Sasuke, shut up. I thought we were operating under the assumption I loved you all along?” 

“Well, I mean, lately . . .” 

“Yeah, even lately I love you and your dumb face.” 

Sasuke chuckled and snuggled him again after stretching languidly. “You have the _dumbest_ face.” 

Naruto squinted at him, but at Sasuke’s questioning look said, “Hey, we can figure it all out later, all right?” 

“I’ve done some really fucked up things.” 

“I know.” 

“No, I mean to you, too, Naruto. I’ve done fucking horrible fucking things, I . . .” 

“I _know_.” 

“But . . . how, how could you know, how could—” 

“Uzumaki told me.” Naruto felt a jagged tear of fear in his gut. He couldn’t let Sasuke know that he and Uzumaki were in cahoots with one another—he might never confide in _any_ Naruto! Sasuke was smart, he had to have figured it out. Fuck. Sasuke didn’t press for details, though. 

“I’m . . . I’m sorry.” 

“Sasuke . . . ?” 

“I’m a user,” Sasuke said, but then clarified “a drug user.” He was a Naruto user, too, nevertheless. 

Naruto nodded, absentmindedly kissing Sasuke’s temple. Still cold. 

“It’s called Lightfighter.” 

“What is that?” 

Sasuke stayed hidden from Naruto’s eyes. “It’s an amphetamine. It leaves no traces in the body, well, at least none that can be picked up by tests.” 

“How?” 

“It’s special. It was made by the Yakushis—you know, that one cop I stayed with, Kabuto?—well, he’s a Yakushi and his family, they’re like, these drug lords, these brilliant people who, I swear to God, Naruto, they could make anything.” His dad’s report— _Yakushi, Yakushi_. 

“ . . . wow. And Orochimaru?” 

Sasuke seized in his arms, muscles tight with stress. “He, ah” Sasuke shook, took a deep breath, might have been trying to prevent himself from crying, “he’s in the hospital.” 

Naruto kept his happiness at that to himself—Sasuke seemed pretty out of shape. “Will he be okay?” 

“I don’t know. It was an overdose, I think. God, like, Naruto, I was there, me and Karin—she’s this girl who lives with him—we were like, trying to pump his stomach in the bathroom. But we don’t know shit, trying to induce vomiting with spoons and pressing on him, like, not real stomach pumping. We put him in the bathtub and Karin was screeching. She called Kabuto. He was there so, so fast, with this fat tube, and I thought he was going to shove it down Orochimaru’s throat, but instead he pushed it into his nose.” 

“Oh my God.” Naruto held Sasuke tighter. 

“I couldn’t believe the tube fit, Naruto, and Kabuto said we needed to call emergency services, and we never call EMTs, you know, even though Kabuto is a cop. Naruto, they’re all corrupt at the police station, you gotta believe me, so like, Kabuto _never_ tries to get other authorities involved. If he said we needed an ambulance, it was a pretty big deal. Kabuto is a genius when it comes to the body, he’s basically an unlicensed doctor, so.” 

“Sasuke . . .” 

“And so Kabuto texted Karin from the hospital later. Apparently he is gonna stay by Orochimaru’s side always, until he’s better, is really scared. He won’t reply to my texts though, the fucker hates me.” 

Naruto really, really hoped Sasuke wouldn’t be amenable to this: “Well, then, should we go visit him?” 

“No, I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Inward flux of relief. Naruto now noticed that the wetness in the nook of his neck and shoulders wasn’t sweat from being in this position too long. Sasuke was crying. 

“The Reaper will take everyone that I care about.” 

Naruto sucked in a breath filled with Sasuke’s black hair. “The Reaper will take _everyone_.” 

“What should I do . . . ?” 

“Sasuke, I promise I’ll drop it after you answer, but . . . I mean, is there any way, _any way at all_ , that Orochimaru could be responsible for Itachi’s death?” 

“No. Absolutely not.” 

“Okay . . . okay, well, then just relax for now. We’ll be okay, we’re going to get answers . . .” Naruto decided he should confess something too: “I visited Iruka and . . . well, he gave me a safe deposit key. I went to the bank and the box was filled with my parents’ files. Loads of them. I have one on the nightstand.” 

Sasuke sat up. “Where are the others? I didn’t see them around anywhere.” 

“You look through my stuff?” 

“Duh. Naruto, where are they?” 

“With Gaara.” 

Sasuke made a fist. “Fucking Gaara.” 

“Don’t pull that jealous crap with me, Sasuke. Gaara is great, one of my best friends. Besides, I could say the same fucking thing about you and Orochimaru.” 

Sasuke, after a moment, sighed, and dropped back down, cupping Naruto’s face. “Point taken. Okay, can I read the one you have tomorrow?” 

“Yeah, anything, Sasuke. I’m not trying to hide things from you, it’s just . . .” 

“I know.” 

“Try for some sleep, okay? You’re gonna feel like shit at school in the morning, and I don’t think you should skip.” 

Sasuke nodded. “Yeah.” 

“Sasuke . . . thanks, I mean, for telling me things, like . . . the _real_ me . . .” 

“Yeah . . . hey, uh, all parts of you are the real you.” 

“You know what I mean!” 

Sasuke chuckled, then whispered, “Thank you, too.” It was a voice that said _you give me way too much leeway, way too much kindness. Way too much_. 

Naruto grinned and closed his eyes. “Goodnight.” 

Sasuke brought his face close and gave Naruto a slow, sticky kiss. “Goodnight.” 

*** 

_July 2009_

After two weeks of gimping around Kankurou’s house, Naruto finally was allowed to go out and about so long as he wore a heavy boot secured by Velcro straps on his fucked up side. He walked super slow, which frustrated only him: Gaara was patient, Temari was preoccupied with every little thing, Shikamaru was lazy as all hell, and if Kankurou was bothered in any way, he didn’t let it show. 

They all took the bus to the mall. Naruto would never had ridden the bus back in his home state, but out in the desert it was common. Loads of people rode the bus, regardless of class or age. Schoolchildren pressed their transit cards to the sensor just as frequently as classy middle-aged women in sunhats or slummin’-it uni students who thought they were hot shit because they had those 3GS iPhones and were wearing sweats in public. Naruto considered himself bi, but he seriously doubted he could dig a chick with the word ‘juicy’ slapped across her ass. 

Since Naruto was wearing his boot, he and Gaara sat in the handicap seats near the front while the others sat next to sticky strangers in the back. Being battered had its advantages! 

Naruto was pleased to encounter about five lizards from the bus stop to the entrance of the shopping center. It was so hot out that the maybe-three-minute-journey from Point A to Point B left the underarms of his tee wet. He looked at Gaara, Temari, and Kankurou—desert kids appeared to be perfectly fine in the heat. Shikamaru, however, groaned aloud about it. Naruto gave him a sympathetic face. 

Inside, they were hit with some great aircon. They drifted beyond the restaurants near the front and separated. Who even knows where Shikamaru went off to? He was gone before anyone noticed. Sneaky bastard. 

Naruto and Gaara looked at Smiggle things, and Naruto bought Gaara a green eraser shaped like a pig. Then they meandered without a goal. They held hands without fear and no one said anything. Naruto didn’t know if Gaara’s home state was just more accepting of gays, or if like, no one noticed or no one dared to start shit? Naruto wasn’t someone who’d hide his relationships, unless the other person wanted it, despite decorum, so he’d happily punch some bigot out. There was no need. 

They passed a wig and hair products store and saw Kankurou, so they went in to say hello. Kankurou waved at them and explained, “I’m looking for new hairstyles for Sasori. Too bad he’s not here to give me his opinion. What do you guys think?” 

Gaara said nothing but Naruto pointed to a wig with long blonde pigtails, “I like that one.” 

“Hm, I’m not sure it’s really Sasori’s style. I’m thinking something more . . . I don’t know, pixie cut.” 

“What’s that mean?” Naruto asked. His knowledge of haircuts was limited to short, medium, and long. 

“Never mind,” Kankurou shook his head. “Do you want me to get you that one?” Kankurou had usurped the siblings’ father’s company position recently, hence staying in the desert. He was essentially the company’s president, hence having his own house that everyone got to stay at during holidays. He bought Naruto and Gaara and Temari and Shikamaru’s airplane tickets down. He made a lot of money was the point. Nice, human-hair wigs were expensive, so Naruto bounced excitedly. 

“Really?” He gaped. 

“Yeah, don’t worry. You guys go have fun. I’ll grab it when I find something suitable for Sasori.” 

“Thanks!” 

When they were out of the shop, Gaara whispered, conspiratorially, “Do I get to see Naruko later then?” His cheeks were pink. 

“I think she’s mad ‘cause I never let her out. But I’m not gonna ignore her today! Guess I better shave, it’s like a freaking jungle.” 

“I think Temari’s in David Jones . . .” 

“You got the right idea, babe! We should go look at the makeup stands!” 

“You’re really looking forward to this, huh?” 

“Are you not? I can try to suppress her, I mean, if you don’t want to deal with her. I know I said I wouldn’t, but I totally can!” 

“No . . .” Gaara flushed and looked down. “I want to see her again, I’m just . . .” 

“Haha, Gaara, just think about all the sex!” 

“. . . I am . . . that’s why I’m . . .” 

“Hard?” 

Gaara frowned at him, “No! Embarrassed to be talking about this in a mall!” 

Naruto flapped his hands as they lined up for slushies across from the entrance to David Jones. “No one knows what we’re talking about, sheesh, get some courage!” 

“I don’t lack courage for not wanting to talk about this here. You are too brazen.” 

“Hey, you brought her up first.” 

Gaara’s face matched his hair. 

*** 

_“So,” Naruto said, “You have my permission to do anything, okay? I trust you.” He was holding the last office box of his dad’s journals. The others were already stacked in Gaara’s backseat._

_“Okay.” Gaara said. He took the box with a solemn expression. The wind blew and carried the bite of winter._

*** 

Sakura and Ino stood up from their seats on the indoor bleachers after Lee’s martial arts test was concluded. He ran up to them, glistening. 

“You were great, Lee, I’m sure you’ll move up, no problem,” said Ino. 

Sakura snorted. She jumped down into Lee’s arms and hugged him, gave him a kiss on the cheek. “We’ll just see about that.” 

“Oh, not to worry Sakura love, I shall do my best, over and over if need be, to rise in the ranks! I want to be as good as Guy-sensei!” Guy was the owner and head instructor of The Morning Peacock Dojo. Lee had been attending since he was tiny. Back in those days, he had braided hair down to his waist, but now it was a messy bowl cut. He used to wear it slicked with oil like his teacher did, but since dating Sakura had to make some concessions. 

“How do you put up with such a bitch, Lee?” Ino asked, and Sakura looked ready to punch her in the face. 

“Shut up, you pig. I’m being realistic here. Lee’s failed before.” 

“I quite like the inspiration Sakura fills me with, Ino! She makes me want to be better at everything!” 

Ino sighed. “If you say so.” 

“May I treat you ladies to dinner?” Lee questioned. It was already past 7pm and he had to have been starving. 

“Yes, that’d be nice,” Sakura said, her arm unlinking with her boyfriend’s. “Can you clean up first? We’ll wait for you out in the car.” 

“Sure!” he replied, “see you shortly!” He ran off towards the back. Presumably there was a shower back there. 

Sitting in the driver’s seat, Sakura turned the key so the radio’d play. 

_Throw your soul through every open door,_

_Count your blessings to find what you look for._

_Turn my sorrow into treasured gold,_

_You'll pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow._

“This song is everywhere.” 

“I know, right?” Ino agreed. She didn’t seem to care much. “So what’s going on at work?” 

Sakura turned the volume down. “I guess Naruto and Sasuke are having a rough go at things.” 

“Oooh,” Ino whistled, “So, are they like, together now?” 

Sakura shrugged. “I don’t know. I wish Naruto would talk to me about it, but he’s been stressed and sorta out of it. You know, like more than usual.” 

“Well,” Ino sucked on her glossy bottom lip, “Have you tried talking to Sasuke?” 

“No!” 

“Why not?” 

“Because . . . he forgot all about me, you know . . .” 

“Sakura,” Ino said, squeezing Sakura’s upper arm, “Maybe it’s not personal, you know? You said that he’s been having some hardships lately. I think you should give it a try.” 

Sakura was quiet for a second, but then smiled up at Ino. “Okay, I’ll give it a shot.” He used to be one of her best friends, she reasoned. She never wanted to give up on him, even if he gave up on her. No, she really couldn’t. 

“Great! So,” Ino segued, flipping her long blonde fringe out of her face, “When are you and Lee gonna get married already?” 

“Oh my God! Ino!” 

“What?! Come on!” 

“We’re too young! And like, I’m not sure I . . . feel as strongly about him as he does for me.” 

“That’s a laugh, Sakura. Lee’s not like other douchebags out there—he’d be faithful and devoted and all that shit. What’s not to love? Besides, even if it’s not that kinda crazy love idiots dream about, it doesn’t mean that a commitment wouldn’t be fulfilling. Love’s overrated.” 

Sakura grimaced. “You and Chouji fighting then? You’re more of a hater than usual right now.” 

“No!” Ino screeched. “Everything’s fine! Guys are still dickweeds though, get real. You’ve got one of the only sweethearts out there.” 

“Okay, well then, what about you?” Sakura countered. 

“What about me?” 

“When are you going to marry Chouji, huh? You’ll never stop cooking, ever.” 

Ino laughed. “Yeah right, I’m not gonna be one of those subjected bitches; he’ll probably do all the cooking anyways.” 

Sakura smiled. She didn’t need to tell Ino that she, Sakura, wouldn’t mind cooking all the time, depending on who her partner was. When she wanted Sasuke, she fantasized about fawning over him and catering to him in every way. With Naruto, she felt that cooking for him in some far off future was degrading and would please him too much; it was weird, like, she hated the idea of him being happy about things like that. When she was with Lee, though, she just figured Lee should do everything. Maybe she was becoming bitchier with the days? Ino was likely right about Chouji being a better chef though, haha. 

“But . . . I mean . . . I don’t know . . . maybe I’ll ask him?” 

“Really?! Ino, that is so cool!” Sakura would never be the one to ask a man to marry her, not in 642 years. 

Ino smirked. “I know.” 

Lee ran up to the car and waved, so Sakura unlocked the doors. He slid into the backseat. “Did I take too long?” His hair was wet and he smelled like manly-scented soap—overpowering and cologne-y and only effective at appealing to women in the minds of loser men. Still, he was fresh and in loose clothes and it wasn’t really so bad, Sakura thought. 

“Not at all,” Sakura smiled fondly at him, “Let’s go, sweetie.” 

Lee’s eyes were huge and watery. _Sakura, oh my God!_

Ino chuckled to herself. _See, girl, don’t scoff at love_. 

*** 

Shikamaru didn’t like excitement. He liked routine. Marriage, though, at least in the beginning, had too much expectations on it and not enough freedom to flourish. So far, their life together as newlyweds had been a series of people asking them mundane questions about married life like _is it different now?_ and _when are you having children_? Shikamaru was perpetually tired—between sex and work and looking out for his kin he hardly slept. Temari drifted from being irritated and bitchy to sweet and sleepy. He knew it was his marriage burden to deal with both sides. Luckily, he _understood_ both sides. He was the cool to her hot, kept them grounded. 

Weeks went by in sticky heat. Weeks went by, and every day his brother-in-law wandered outta their house to intentionally get lost. Temari silently followed, absentmindedly playing with her wedding ring, biting her bottom lip. Shikamaru, too, followed, led by compassion for his new family. 

Once, they found Gaara at a botanical garden. The main greenhouse was no larger than their living room. Against one wall was a cage that held captive rainbow birds. Plants wiggled from the automatic spray of water, the tiniest of lakes, man-made with a plastic bottom, bubbled with tiny fish. It was by this lake that Gaara crouched, music loud enough to be heard despite his earbuds. 

Gaara seemed deeply sorrowful, quiet. Shikamaru remembered a merciless brat who paid for and facilitated his own ruin. “I used to be afraid of him,” Temari whispered, stepping out of the doorway and back into the facility’s gravel parking lot, “he . . . was really different. This is horrid, but I’m not sure I really loved him before he met Naruto.” 

Shikamaru remembered that—the Gaara from before. He remembered the screaming, violent moods. The rocking back and forth, they never leave me alone, I can’t sleep or I’ll die. He remembered Temari bailing Gaara out of jail for the 2 nd, 3rd time. Images of sunsets on beaches, of snapping bones, and broken bodies. He didn’t yet know what parental love was, but he was sure that this came close. Temari would be a good mother someday. 

Still, he didn’t know how to reply. He took her hand. “Like anything, love needs work.” 

*** 

_Sunday, July 31, 2011_

She opened her legs slightly, and Shikamaru reached below her trimmed pubic hair, massaging her clit. She sighed, and his dick throbbed in response. He wasn’t the same sexist asshole he was before they were together—Temari didn’t let him get away with that. He knew how to make her come, _he’d better have known how to make her come_. 

He kissed her, putting his arm around the small of her back and pulling her closer. He was simple and she was volatile, so he didn’t fuck things up by talking—just hoped she could tell he meant he loved her and would be with her no matter what. So he kissed her, and he kissed her, and he kissed her. He pressed his lips to her neck and didn’t slow his hand. 

He drew his tongue across one nipple, and closed his mouth over it, sucking. Her pussy pulsed underneath his hand. 

He spread her open, moving down to lap at the exposed clit, causing her to scream, her high-pitched wail cut off, turning voiceless. More for himself, he thrust his tongue in and out of her and she pulled on his hair, which was undone, lifting her legs up higher. 

Shikamaru couldn’t wait, couldn’t make this about foreplay, and positioned himself behind her, both of them on their sides, and slid his cock inside. He pulled her back flush to his belly, the best to rub her clit while he fucked her. She lifted one leg up and held on to her thigh, gasping. The sound of skin against slapping skin made him wild. Hands on her hip and shoulder, he rolled her body. She mumbled incoherently and had her fingers in her own hair. Her other hand flew between her legs. 

This is how Shikamaru could express love without words. Words were fallible, weaker than thoughts, laden with misunderstandings. Words were limited. His body told her he would be there for her, comfort her and support her. _They were married_. Their brother needed help, and they would protect him. 

Temari sat up and fanned herself. 

Always, always, they’d face this world together. 

*** 

_Friday, January 27, 2012_

Sasuke dropped his messenger bag on the ground by the door and stepped out of his shoes. “Naruto? You home?” 

Naruto leaned out of the kitchen. “Hey! Just making coffee. You want some? Did you eat yet?” 

“I’m good on food. You got VIA packets?” He turned up one corner of his mouth. 

Naruto narrowed his eyes, “Haha, yes Sasuke, I got a buncha packets from one of my asshole friends for Christmas.” 

“Sounds like a pretty cool guy to me.” 

“Oh, you’d love him. Totally your type, Sasuke.” Naruto handed Sasuke a mug that emitted the smell of peppermint. Sasuke sat it down on the counter immediately and looked at Naruto expectantly. 

“What? Hey, I’m going to drink some Starbucks, too, so don’t pout.” 

“Put that down.” 

Naruto put the spoon on the counter. “What’s up?” 

Sasuke looked away, but then walked into Naruto and pressed their bodies together, wrapping his arms around Naruto’s back. Naruto hugged him too. “Welcome home, Sasuke.” 

“Thanks. It’s fucking horrible out there. Remember last winter? It was way better. I wonder what the fuck happened.” 

“Maybe Winter lost his love?” 

Sasuke blinked. “What the _fuck_ are you talking about?”  
  


Naruto shrugged. 

After grimacing, Sasuke said, “Hey, can you promise me something?” 

“No easing into things for you, huh? Straight to business. Yeah, of course.” 

“I mentioned the weather! You’re the one who made it weird. Anyways, if this, you know, if this thing between us doesn’t work out, do you promise to still be my best friend?” Sasuke looked at Naruto’s collar. 

Naruto was shocked at all of this—the affection, the candid words outside of the bed. That Sasuke would doubt Naruto’s undying need to be around him always. “Sasuke, you never have to worry about that kinda thing. You’re stuck with me for life, buddy. I’ll be your friend no matter what happens. I promise.” 

“Okay, good.” Sasuke took a deep breath. “Let’s do this then.” Sasuke ran his fingers through Naruto’s messy hair and leaned closer to kiss him. Then he kissed him again and then again, sliding his tongue across Naruto’s lips. He sighed when he pulled back. 

Naruto’s heart was bashing within his chest, a fugitive of love inside a ribcage. He thought he might die. 

“You have to go to classes soon?” Sasuke asked, interrupting Naruto’s internal attack, distracting him. 

“Un-fucking-fortunately.” Naruto’s lips tingled. His dick twitched. _Fuck_. 

“Don’t make that face, moron.” Sasuke smirked. “I’ll be here when you get back, okay?” He put his hands on Naruto’s chest and felt him up. He grabbed onto Naruto’s belt loop and pulled them back together for another kiss, rubbing Naruto’s developing hard-on through their clothes. “Maybe you wanna pick up some things on your way home?” He suggested, hugging Naruto again. 

“Yeah . . . I can pick up things . . .” Naruto, fueled by lust, felt ballsy enough to squeeze Sasuke’s ass. Sasuke shivered against him. He hunched over Sasuke, covering him as much as he could, kissing the top of his inky head. 

They stayed that way until Naruto had to leave, pouring his cold coffee into a travel mug. Sasuke sucked on his neck when they were kissing farewell, gracing Naruto with a mark that meant he was going to wear his scarf all throughout class. 

*** 

Temari rubbed her stomach and looked at Gaara expectantly. Beside her sat Shikamaru. Sakura, Lee, and Ino sat near the couch on the floor, each glancing at each other questioningly. 

Gaara nodded a little, then faced everyone. “Thank you all for coming,” he started, “I know this is sudden, but there’s something I need you all to know.” 

“Is everything all right?” Temari knotted her eyebrows. She stopped before asking if he was in legal trouble. Old habits and all that shit. 

“No,” he replied honestly, “No, nothing is all right, and that’s why I need all of you to cooperate.” 

“With what?” Asked Lee. For once he didn’t seem particularly eager. 

Gaara picked up a folder from the table and lifted it up. “Naruto’s been trying to do something dangerous by himself.” 

*** 

When Naruto came home, all was quiet. He glanced in the bedroom and saw Sasuke dozing, the nightstand light on beside him. He put the black plastic bag on the pile on his chair and went to shower. 

Once underneath the steaming water, he scrubbed his body so he’d be ultra clean. He cleaned places he normally skimmed. He cleaned his junk thoroughly, he shaved his pubic hair until it was flat and sparse. He made sure his fingernails were clear. Standing wet at the medicine cabinet, he brushed his teeth and flossed and swigged mouthwash. He turned and checked himself out. 

After drying his hair, he snuck back into the bedroom with a towel around his waist. Sasuke was sitting propped up on an elbow, the bag’s contents spilt out in front of him. 

Naruto blushed. “Hey.” 

Sasuke fiddled with a wrapped condom. He had apparently opened the box. The lubes, however, were still wrapped. He bit his lip, and Naruto saw a tiny quiver in Sasuke’s mouth, a shake where nervousness dwelled. His eyes roamed over Naruto’s exposed skin. “Hi.” 

“I, uh, woke you?” 

“Don’t worry about it. Come here.” Sasuke moved upright, reaching out his hands. He sat on top of the condom stack. Naruto drifted to him. Sasuke gripped at the damp towel and pulled it open, using the ends to position Naruto directly in front of him. He licked his lips, cheeks bright. 

Naruto was blushing again. Sasuke was staring at his dick curiously and oh my God it was so nerve-wracking. Sasuke laughed and said “it’s nothing I haven’t seen, you know.” 

“Ah! You don’t have to be so obvious about it though.” 

Sasuke stood up and pressed into Naruto, grasping his shoulder in one hand and removing the towel completely with the other. “Kiss me,” he whispered. 

“Mmm,” Naruto hummed, sucking Sasuke’s bottom lip. He pushed his tongue deep into Sasuke’s mouth. Sasuke gasped, pulling away and licking Naruto’s lips. 

Then he turned back to the bed and spread the towel out. “Sit down,” he said. Seated, Naruto gasped when Sasuke sank to the floor and opened Naruto’s knees. “I’m gonna . . . I’m gonna, let me . . .” He closed his eyes and looked so pretty, so sexy, Naruto’s cock grew painfully hard. 

Sasuke then stared for a moment, and reached out tentatively. He pressed Naruto’s erection against his abdomen and licked the underside. Naruto moaned “S-Sasuke . . .” 

Sasuke moaned, too, eyebrows knotted. “I like it,” he slurred, “I like your dick.” Naruto’s brain short-circuited at that statement and he whined. Sasuke’s voice was low and quiet, his writhing on the floor signaling an incurable fever. Sasuke palmed himself over his shorts. “I wanna suck your dick so badly, I wanna taste your come.” 

“I have a really . . . shit diet . . .” 

“I don’t care,” Sasuke said, nosing Naruto’s pubic hair and dragging his tongue down. He gave Naruto small kisses from the tip of his erection to the balls. “I don’t care about that.” Everything about Sasuke’s mouth, his lips, teeth, tongue, _voice_ . . . everything elicited a whimper out of Naruto, who could have blown his load right then if not for the urge to have more. 

Sasuke licked and kissed until Naruto’s dick was almost numb, too sensitive, so hard it hurt. Then he took it into his mouth and bobbed his head. “Ah! Holy fuck!” Naruto shivered. 

*** 

_“If you’re not happy, Gaara, you should get help. You should see that people care about you and don’t want to see you suffer . . .”_

_“What about you? Who will help you?”_

_“I don’t need any help.”_

_Gaara laughed. “I’ll always help you, okay?”_

*** 

_Lyra’s first kiss was by the river. I know because Lyra told me so._

Naruto tapped his pencil over the journal page and sighed. _Lyra in the forest_ , huh? He would have to make a special trip after work. He turned back and looked at Sasuke, who was sleeping quietly. 

He read another paragraph. 

_Lyra said they wandered the ice for so long he could not remember anything else. He didn’t know the date, said maybe days or years had passed. Said he stuffed his fingers in his mouth to stave off frostbite. Said being in the woods was a luxury._

Naruto wrote a note in the margin: _Everything’s gonna change now, right Lyra?_

\---- 

Chapter Tracklist: 

  
**SKisM**  
– Power (Eptic Remix)  
 **Major Lazer & La Roux **  
– Bulletproof  
 **Cold War Kids**  
– Lost That Easy  
 **Adele**  
– Rolling in the Deep  



End file.
